Meat Party

Four more days until ... MEAT PARTY!  It's going to be the funnest party.  Maybe only for me, but whatever.  MEEEEAT!  July 1st, hamburgers, bacon, who's with me?  Maybe a half-smoke for dessert?  Don't make me enjoy my meat alone, friends.

(You were thinking a different kind of meat party, weren't you?  Get your minds out of the gutter, readers!  I keep a clean, tight ship, you filthy animals.)

(That being said, I want to make a joke here about having a meat party in someone's pants, but that seems inappropriate, so I'll refrain.)

(Or maybe something about a "hot beef injection".)

(That's what she said.)

...

And after the meat ingestion, we start the month of no swearing.  I'd like to share a conversation I had with my sister the other night regarding the upcoming challenge:

Kristy:  So, do you want me to point out when you swear?
Heather:  Well, yeah.
Kristy:  Every time?  You're going to have to do so many embarrassing things.
Heather:  Wow, thanks for all the faith in me, sister.  I'M NOT GOING TO SWEAR!  Go to your room!
Kristy:  Oooookay.

My sister is a skeptical jerk.  If she wasn't so pretty...  (I don't know how to finish that sentence.)

Brain-storming ideas for punishment (which I won't have to worry about because I'm not going to swear), I thought of the tried and true swear jar, but the problem with that is I'd just be giving money back to myself, which isn't much of an incentive.  I could give it to charity, but if I swear at all (which I'm not going to), it will only happen once or twice (it's NOT going to happen) and then, what?  I'm going to slide the charity of my choice a crisp, cool $1 bill?  No.

I think I should have to do something public and shaming.  For example, I dance like a white girl:  with a lot of enthusiasm, lip biting and awkward gyrations.  My dancing feet have got no rhythm.  (I'm never gonna dance again ... Heather's feet have got no rhythm...)  As punishment for swearing (the swearing I'm not going to do), I could follow in Jimmy Fallon's footsteps and attempt to do the "Cat Daddy" a la Kate Upton.

The original dance (don't be afraid, there's no nudity here):

With Jimmy:

Shoot, even Kate looks a little awkward in that video, but, you know, she looks like that, so it doesn't really matter what she's doing; she will still be ridiculously hot.

"Next up, Kate Upton cleans out a litter box."
<10,000,000 views>

I'll get my groove on, video it, upload it to my blog and brace for mockery.  I think this is a pretty solid deterrent.

What do you think, my tens of readers?  Any other ideas for me?

Spurtle

I am writing this post from my mother's kitchen table while she bakes cupcakes nearby (I'm a good helper).  She is using a spurtle to poke holes in the cupcakes, filling said hole with lemon pudding.  Only my mother would own a spurtle.

Me:  What's that?
Mom:  It's a spurtle.  I bought it because it's Swedish.
Me:  ...

It's Swedish.

I want to talk about a couple of things in this post:

1.  My absence.
2.  April's challenge.
3.  Spurtles.

1.  In absentia.  Here's my M.O.:  I have a thing I need to do, I worry about doing said thing (doing it well, that is), instead of trying to do that thing, I shut down and do the opposite of that thing, i.e., nothing. (See what I did there?  "No thing.")  I went on a little vacation in March (more on that later) and while there, I drafted lots of funny/interesting posts (in my mind) and even drew a few pictures (more on that later), but once I got home I worried that I wouldn't be able to do the trip justice because it definitely ranks up there in the Top 3 Best Vacations Evar.  I doubted my Paint artistry (I know, right?  How crazy is that?), I doubted my writing talent, I doubted my ability to recollect and retell funny moments, etc.  If I had to pick a film to represent the last few weeks it would be this one:

So, rather than stressing about writing vacation posts, I decided to write about other shit, and get back to them when the movie representing my vacation-post-writing attitude is this:

Shiny.

2.  April.

January:  Take a picture every day
February:  Make something and/or be creative every day (I'm taking an art class starting mid-Feb, which will fit in nicely with this task)
March:  Meditate (2 minutes or 2 hours, as long as I do it)
April:  No shopping, at all (excluding food and toilet paper, of course)
May:  No eating out (I'll eat at someone's house, but not in a restaurant)
June:  Walk 100 miles
July:  No TV (this includes Netflix, Hulu, etc.)
August:  Daily dancing (dancing in my living room totally counts)
September:  Eat vegetarian (bacon, I miss you already)
October:  Try a new food (or a recipe if I run out of food ideas), daily
November:  Learn something new (a new word, a new cloud formation, how to solder properly, whatever)
December:  No SWEARING (fuuuuuuck)

No shopping.  Got it.  I kicked off this month by going on a 4-hour shopping spree with my cousin, Amy.  I'm choosing to look at this way:

Date:  April 1st
Setting:  Dulles Town Center

Amy:  What's your challenge for April?
Heather:  It's no shopping.  I can only buy the essentials.
Amy:  Looks down at Heather's shopping bags full of non-essentials.  Um...
Heather:  APRIL FOOL'S!

Look, in my defense, I honestly didn't realize it was April; it wasn't even on my radar.  I considered lying about it, but that seemed ... dishonest.  And we've already discussed what a terrible liar I am.  (I was going to link to the post I wrote about lying, but I can't find it and I need to get in the shower because it's already 4:00 in the afternoon(!) and I need to leave soon to go to my sis-in-law's house for dinner (homemade biscuits and gravy!) so I can't waste any more time searching.  Bottom line:  I'm a terrible liar.)

(Also, Penny, my niece, thinks it's "gross" to have breakfast for dinner.  She wants ice cream and Easter candy instead.  'Cause that's not gross.)

Rules?  I don't know.  "Don't buy unnecessary shit."  For example, I wanted to buy some cute undies from Victoria's Secret the other day, but then realized "cute undies" aren't not essential when I have a drawer full of "perfectly acceptable" undies at home.  So I didn't buy them.  I'm already kicking this challenge's ass.

I contemplated making a list of all the things I thought about buying but didn't buy (because I'm definitely not going to buy anything non-essential this month), but that seemed a bit dangerous.  I am likely to forget about 97% of things I would have bought, but if I have a handy list, May will likely be the month of I WILL BUY ALL THE THINGS.

3.  Spurtles.  I have nothing else to say about this topic, but I like saying the word.  When I finish writing a post I read it out loud to make sure it doesn't sound completely idiotic (no comments from the peanut gallery).

Don't judge my method.

You're totally judging my method, aren't you?

Lastly, lest you doubt my Paint abilities, here's a glimpse of the house we stayed in on our little vacation to Nevis.

This is a very accurate rendition.

Never doubt me again.