Sass

If this picture of my my niece, the Cutie Patootie Penny Lee, isn't the epitome of "sass", I don't know what is.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm damn near flabbergasted that it's been almost a month since I've posted anything.  It is with sass and determination that I pull myself back in the saddle and get down to brass tacks.

Brass tacks = blog posts.  Like, a bunch of 'em.

What the hell does that phrase even mean?  "Get down to brass tacks"?  I went to my Google machine and checked it out.  Wikipedia says, "In colloquial English, brass tacks refers to the fundamental or essential elements of a topic."

Wow.  That's super helpful.  Thanks, Wikipedia.  The Phrase Finder says it has something to do with measuring fabric.  Whatever.  I say it has to do with blogs.

I have spoken.

Fine. FINE! Fine.

You want to talk about meditation?  I will talk about meditation.  I probably won't actually meditate, but I'll talk to you guys about it.  No problem.  Loquacious, I am.

My little sister knows I have often tried to meditate:

Thanks for pointing out my failures, Kristy.

I have other books on meditation.  I've even read them.  Cover to cover.  Bibliophile, I am.

Oh, Thich, you slay me.

I recently signed up for a class on meditation.  Of the three classes we've had so far, I have attended one.  Money well spent.

So what's the hang up?  I have spent enough time in my Crazy Tree made of stress to quickly and accurately get the bottom of whatever it is that has driven me into those lofty branches, addressed those issues, and moved on.  But when it comes to stillness and introspection...?  Fuckity fuck fuck.  I suppose I prefer to think about boys and sex and vacations and cupcakes.  And sex.

I have been meditating this month (except for those two days when I "forgot"), but as with January and February, I feel like I'm already falling into the habit of just 'punching the ticket'; meditating to meditate.  I'm not taking it seriously and I'm certainly not giving it the time and attention it needs.  And shit, I'll be the first to admit that I need it.  I am forever burning the candle at both ends.  I am always going, rarely still.  Stillness, I need.

Candle illustration?
Or weird hot-dog-like meat product?  You decide.

So, I heretofore vow to start taking this challenge more seriously.

I mean, not tonight.  It's already pretty late and I had all that wine.  But tomorrow?  Definitely.  Watch out stillness!  I'm about to own your ass.

No High Fructose Corn Syrup!

As promised in that last post, our creation...

First, supplies.

Lubrication.  And lettuce.

IMPORTED FROM SPAIN!

You might not think we need Ketchup to make a Tater Tot man,
but you would be WRONG.

Tutus:  a necessity.

S'mores cupcakes.
WE MUST BE PREPARED FOR EVERY CONTINGENCY!
(I just spelled "contingency" correctly and I'm drunk.
Don't hate.)

Supplies?  Check.
Fabulous girlfriends?  Check.
Oh, fuck stick.  Most important ingredients:

The man himself and his clothing.  Durr.

And this is why we need ketchup.

Ok, now ingredients are gathered, tots are cooked, lubrication is ... lubricating, time for assembly.

This picture is aptly named:  "assembly.jpg"

Just twinin'.

So there's absolutely no confusion about what we're doing here.
Also, "My bologna vest has a first name, it's N-A-T-H-A-N..."

It's important that Mal has a meatball bullet-shooting gun.
Pretty much goes without saying, really.

There was much giggling and an addition (and removal) of meatball "balls", which my girls found inappropriate, much to my consternation.  But, alas, I present to you NATER-TATER:

This is like, really good.

The moral of the story here?  The Bloggess is a treasure, tater tots are delicious, wine is happiness, my friends are wonderfully fun and silly and I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have them (Drunk Heather = I LOVE EVERYONE Heather), Nathan Fillion (urg) needs to fondle some damn twine already, and most important of all, absolutely everyone needs a tutu.

Storage is complicated.

And, perhaps, a picture of themselves awkwardly holding twine:

Awwwwkward. 
Or:  Why am I still single?

Tater Tots and Tutus

If you read my blog, you probably read other blogs, yeah?  You're not a one-blog-at-a-time reader/girl/guy/girl-guy/robot/zombie are you?  Well, if you don't read The Bloggess' blog, you should.  Go check it out.  I'll wait right here.

You back yet?

You're not going to going to go to The Google and search for it are you?  Lame.  Fine, BAM.  Made it easy for you.  She is delightfully insane and a complete joy to read.  Most of the time.  Sometimes she gets down into The Shit, which honestly, only makes me love her more.  Life ain't all sunshine and twine, folks; it's important to keep things real, ya'll.

(I should add, I am drinking wine wine right now.  Lots of wine.  Wine tastes good.)

(Your face tastes good.)

Why am I talking to you about The Bloggess (and wine) and not meditation?  Simple:  MEDITATING IS HARD AND I HATE IT.  But also, Ms. Bloggess inspired us to Make Things and Be Creative and I want to share said creation with you.  There is a story behind the creation, but I know you won't take the time to read it.  So, here's a recap, you lazy monkeys:

1.  The Bloggess asks Nathan Fillion (sigh) to take a picture of himself holding twine.  (There's a whole story behind that too, mostly involving silliness, but it's too much to type.  STOP BEING LAZY AND CLICK ON THE LINK.)
2.  Nathan Fillion (swoon) completely ignores The Bloggess.
3.  The Bloggess reaches out to her Twitter followers to entice (harass?) Fillion (OMGswoon) to take the damn picture already!
4.  *crickets*
5.  Other famous people chime in and send TB pictures of themselves holding twine and then ... spatulas (I already mentioned the "delightfully insane" bit of all of this, yeah?)

(Side note:  my love of Wil Wheaton knows no bounds and that man deserves an entire post of his very own, which I will likely write some day because I luff him.  LUFF!  Not only is he a Champion of all things Nerdy, Geeky, and Awesome, he's also --and I'm basing this solely on what I have read on his blog/Twitter -- a genuinely decent human being.  And he's pretty cute.  And he totes has an awesome relationship with his sons, which is a beautiful thing to read about.  And!  (No wait, there's more!)  When she asked, he sent The Bloggess a picture of himself collating paper.  Just because.  Listen to Wil, and DON'T BE A DICK, people!)

This made my Comic-Con.

(End of side note)

6.  Still with the *crickets*
7.  Suddenly and inexplicably, TB starts referring to Nathan Fillion (want) as "Nater-Tater", which in turn inspired my curly-haired gal pal, Colleen, to suggest that we make a Nater-Tater out of tater tots (genius!), throw some twine in there, and send it to TB because ... well, fuck it, whatever.  Why not?  We're special.

So that's what we did. 

This picture doesn't help you at all, does it?
Mwaaa-ha-ha!

This post is just the build-up.  Nater-Tater up next!

Blame the Tutus

Day 3 of Meditation Month and I forgot to motherfrakking meditate.  (Bad Heather!  Bad Heather!  No cupcakes for me!)  I even had a conversation about it with one of my friends last night:

Friend:  Have you meditated today?
Me:  Nope.  (gulps wine from glass)

Ok, so it wasn't a long, meaningful conversation, but ... shit.  I forgot already?!  I considered lying about it (or simply not mentioning it at all since I don't post every day), but that seemed silly since 1 - none of you gives two shits if I actually mediate, and 2 - I'd only be lying to myself and ... I already know.

Also, I am the WORST LIAR EVER.  Evidence:  I got a polygraph a few years ago and my polygrapher(?) instructed me to purposefully lie on a few questions so he could get a baseline read before getting to the meaty questions.  Mid-way through the polygraph, he calls a quality control person and they review my responses together. 

Dude on phone with QCer:  *laugher*  I know, right?  It's really something.  Yeah, mmm hmm.  I know!  *more laughter*  There's no ambiguation with this one.

Me:  WTF?  (said to myself)

Dude:  (hangs up phone)  Ms. Murnane, come take a look at this and you'll understand why we were laughing.

Here's what my graph looked like:

So that's why I can't lie about not meditating.  You would know.  As punishment for missing yesterday's session, I will tack on one day to the challenge. 

And really, I blame the tutus for my forgetfulness.

Everything is better with tutus.

My mind was focused on ... other things.  Details to follow.

Too Much Orange

(I'm experimenting with new looks for the blog and it is, perhaps, a bit OMGORANGE right now.  I'm using 'out of the box' Blogger templates, but yesterday I got my "You, Too, Can Learn HTML and CSS" book in the mail, so STAND BACK, everyone!  I'm learnin' to website.  (It's a verb, shuddup.))

Anywho, meditation.

Side note, every time I say "meditation" in my head it sounds like this:

Me-di-tay-shawn.  Ah, Cajun Man.

Anywho, meditation.

I find myself easily distracted (...distraction...) every time I think about this month's challenge.  I sat down to write this post last night and instead went to the gym.  I went to the gym -- the gym -- instead of writing about meditation.

(Ooh, I'm hungry.  I think I have a Chik Patty in freezer.  Mm, I still have a Red Bull in my bag too, and a banana.  I love bananas.  I have to volunteer at the USO tonight.  What am I going to eat for dinner?  I'm going to be there from 4-8, so I'll need to bring something with me because if I wait until after 8 to eat, I'll likely spawn little angry, Heather gremlins and nobody wants to see that.  Oh, shit, I forgot to bring a book with me.  What am I going to do for four hours?  I could ... meditate...)

I'm pretty sure that's how my entire month is going to go -- a constant struggle to overcome the "Monkey Mind" and sit quietly.  And let me tell you, I can justify the shit out of not meditating.  Hence, the challenge.  I think being held accountable (by myself, essentially, through the blog) I won't have the luxury of making excuses to do, well, pretty much anything to avoid sitting quietly; I don't want to come on here and say, "Oh, I didn't meditate today because I overcooked my eggs and I was really upset."  I'm forcing myself to start a meditation practice, with the hopes that at some point, it won't feel forced; it will be peaceful.  Based on last night, I already know it's going to be a frustrating process.  But that's why it's a challenge, yeah?  Being introspective and shit and using mediation as a form of stress management can only do good things.

(banana)

My plan:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.  I haven't had a cupcake in so long.  Maybe I should have a month of Eat a Cupcake Every Day.  Sure, I'd gain 10 pounds, but it would be worth it.  I wish I had a cupcake right now.)
5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.

February, the Month of Coloring, a Recap

February went the way of January with not nearly enough time during the week to "be creative."  Why does time seem eternal when sitting behind your desk at work, but there are never enough hours once you return home in the evening?  If only I could paint or color or sew (ha ha - sew - like I know how to do that) at work, all of my time problems would have been solved.

I did creatively shower one afternoon when our apartment complex lost water due to an extreme broken pipe.  Took 'em three days to fix that shit.  Three. Days.  One does not truly appreciate running water until it is gone.

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Ahem.  Cinderella.

It was a cold shower.  And not one I hope to repeat any time soon.

I didn't tackle nearly as  many things on my list as I had hoped to.

 1. Draw, color, paint.
 2. Make another robot.
 3. Make an awesome paper airplane and/or oragami.
 4. Make a candle.
 5. Put together a little bonsai zen garden in my mom's greenhouse.
 6. Try new recipes, mostly cupcakes.  "Making" toast will not count.
 7. Flip through the craft books that I borrowed from Mindy for other ideas.
 8. Work on the Antarctica map project I've been kicking around in my head for years now.
 9. This list has to go to 10.
10. Writing exercises.

Wow, ok, so I basically only did number one (heh, that means pee) and sort of number three.  Perhaps I should have referred to this list sooner than March 1st.  0.o

Mostly, I colored.  A lot.  It was my default activity and though it felt a bit like cheating or "phoning it in" (taking a picture to take a picture), I found myself looking forward to it.  Sometimes stress gets the better of  me and sitting down with a coloring book (don't judge) was incredibly cathartic and relaxing.  I could disconnect and enter a very zen-like must-stay-in-the-lines state.  And I got smelly makers, which added to the experience.  Lemon yellow was the best.

So, I colored.  A lot.  These bastards take an eternity to finish.

My favorite.

A work in progress.  Like your face.
OHH!

Despite not venturing too far from the color, sketch, draw-things-in-Paint realm, I feel good about the month.  Could I have gone out of my box a bit more?  Sure.  But, it is what it is, and it was fun and fuck it, it's my damn challenge anyway.  I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! 

I did learn things though:  I can't draw for shit, but I can color like a boss.  That's nothing to shake a stick at.

You can shake a stick at this though.

I am still sad.

I'll likely keep drawing silly things throughout the year because it amuses me to do so and it will help liven up my March posts about meditating, which aren't likely to be too riveting.

The Paper Chase

Once again, I am woefully behind in updating my blog and have now entered the Catch Up with All of the Things phase of my evening.  I'll start by sharing some of the artwork I have recently made.  You're welcome.

First stop, origami.  Folding paper into shapes.  Who can't do that?

I can't do that.  At all.

The goddamn origami swan is like, the easiest damn thing to make. 

Sad swan is sad.

Why you fold me so bad, Heather?

I tried an origami box next.  I don't know why I thought I could fold a friggin' paper box if I couldn't fold the damn, shitting swan.  I am nothing if not dogged in my determination.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?!
I don't even understand the step-by-step instructions.
Fuck you, box.

Next up, a paper plane.

Paper is hard.

That spot it landed on is about two feet from where I threw it.  Whatever.  I'd like to see you make a paper plane that flies more than two feet.  Actually, never mind.  I don't want to see that.

I wish I could say that was it for my attempts to create things with paper, but ... nope.  There was more.

I bought a Build-a-Robot calendar this year from ThinkGeek and it came with twelve "detailed 3-D robot models from paper punch-outs."  They make it sound so easy.  Sure, just punch them out and you'll magically be able to put them together.  With magic.  You won't even need instructions, because of the magic.

Look at all the robots you can make!

He mocks me.

Seriously, I didn't get any further than punching it out and staring at it with a perplexed look on my face, sighing deeply and wondering how I earned my degrees.  I sat there looking at all the pieces, repeatedly turning the paper over and over hoping instructions would magically show themselves (you know, because of the magic).  If you need a visual:

Wha-?  I don't even...

Perhaps I give up on these little projects too quickly (dogged in my determination?  Not so much...) and if I had more patience and perseverance, I'd have some cute, little robots for ... posterity?  I dunno.

Paper is hard.