White Trash Ice Cubes

It's Friday evening and I'm settling in with a glass of wine and some fly tunes.  That's right; I said, "fly."  Deal with it.  Actually, I have fun dinner and comedy show plans tonight so I'm not "settling in" so much as "getting ready and drinking wine."  Details.

You guys may not know this, but I'm ready for the month of 'eat no dead animals' to be over.  Ray's Hell Burger, you'd better lock it up and have your shit together come Sunday evening.  I ain't even playing.  It's going to be a blur of hamburger, bloody juice running down chins, and sighs of orgasmic delight.

(I know a fierce debate has erupted over the serial comma and the necessity of that last comma in a list of items, but whatever.  I'm a rebel.  I'll comma if I want to.)

As I'm dancing around my apartment, getting all dolled up and whatnot, I'm wearing what is clearly the best t-shirt ever made.  The Sister picked this up for me on her most recent trip to Canada.  She did good.

Douchecanoe?  How about BEAVER-canoe!

It doesn't matter that I'm thirty-fabulous, "beaver" will always make me giggle because... vaginas.  (Are you uncomfortable Callton? VAGINAS!  VAGINAS!  VAGINAS!)

Anyway.

July will be here in two days and I want all of you haters -- those of you collapsing into charming little puddles of laughter at the mere mention of my 'no swearing' month -- to know that I will prove all of you wrong.  Crow, you shall eat.  In the meantime:  fuckity, fuck, fuck, bastard, shit, motherfucker, wine, damn, vaginas, bollocks.  Fuck.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Overheard at My House Tonight

"I'm ready for some meat."

Meat Party

Four more days until ... MEAT PARTY!  It's going to be the funnest party.  Maybe only for me, but whatever.  MEEEEAT!  July 1st, hamburgers, bacon, who's with me?  Maybe a half-smoke for dessert?  Don't make me enjoy my meat alone, friends.

(You were thinking a different kind of meat party, weren't you?  Get your minds out of the gutter, readers!  I keep a clean, tight ship, you filthy animals.)

(That being said, I want to make a joke here about having a meat party in someone's pants, but that seems inappropriate, so I'll refrain.)

(Or maybe something about a "hot beef injection".)

(That's what she said.)

...

And after the meat ingestion, we start the month of no swearing.  I'd like to share a conversation I had with my sister the other night regarding the upcoming challenge:

Kristy:  So, do you want me to point out when you swear?
Heather:  Well, yeah.
Kristy:  Every time?  You're going to have to do so many embarrassing things.
Heather:  Wow, thanks for all the faith in me, sister.  I'M NOT GOING TO SWEAR!  Go to your room!
Kristy:  Oooookay.

My sister is a skeptical jerk.  If she wasn't so pretty...  (I don't know how to finish that sentence.)

Brain-storming ideas for punishment (which I won't have to worry about because I'm not going to swear), I thought of the tried and true swear jar, but the problem with that is I'd just be giving money back to myself, which isn't much of an incentive.  I could give it to charity, but if I swear at all (which I'm not going to), it will only happen once or twice (it's NOT going to happen) and then, what?  I'm going to slide the charity of my choice a crisp, cool $1 bill?  No.

I think I should have to do something public and shaming.  For example, I dance like a white girl:  with a lot of enthusiasm, lip biting and awkward gyrations.  My dancing feet have got no rhythm.  (I'm never gonna dance again ... Heather's feet have got no rhythm...)  As punishment for swearing (the swearing I'm not going to do), I could follow in Jimmy Fallon's footsteps and attempt to do the "Cat Daddy" a la Kate Upton.

The original dance (don't be afraid, there's no nudity here):

With Jimmy:

Shoot, even Kate looks a little awkward in that video, but, you know, she looks like that, so it doesn't really matter what she's doing; she will still be ridiculously hot.

"Next up, Kate Upton cleans out a litter box."
<10,000,000 views>

I'll get my groove on, video it, upload it to my blog and brace for mockery.  I think this is a pretty solid deterrent.

What do you think, my tens of readers?  Any other ideas for me?

Black Bean Burger

I had planned to write a bunch of posts about the rest of the stuff I got rid of last month -- I took pictures and everything -- but I don't feel like it.  It seems like all that happened months ago and, let's face it, I'm lazy.  Here's a snapshot of the month for the curious out there:

GET RID OF ALL THE THINGS!

I'll hang on to the pictures though and maybe one of these days I'll get a 'wild hair' and talk about all my "stuff".

On to June ... 19th.  Yikes.  You haven't missed much, readers.  This is the month of being a vegetarian.  Honestly, until today, it hasn't been difficult.  I've been eating lots of eggs, veggies, black bean burgers, salads, black bean burgers, a little tofu here and there, black bean burgers, etc.  You get the idea.  But today?  I'd cut a bitch for a hamburger.  Ooh, or a steak!  Wrapped in bacon.  With a side of hamburger.  (Sorry, siblings, I know all this meat talk is unappealing.)

And now it's June 22nd.  Eight more days!  I want to take a second to pat myself on the back for not eating the flesh of a cow last night.  I was a dinner party shindig (thanks Dominic and Eliza!) and flank steak was on the menu.  Steak that had been marinating for ~24 hours.  Steak that was cooked to perfection on the grill with the help of Dave's fancy meat thermometer (heh, meat thermometer).  And did I have a bite?  Nay.  Did I succumb to the taunting of my friends?   The pointed seductive eating of said meat?  Nay!  I persevered and ate my delicious, delicious black bean burger.  AND IT WAS DELICIOUS.

The wine was also delicious.  Bet you guys never would have suspected that I was a fan of wine, eh?  The more you know...

So, June has pretty much come and gone with nary a blog post in site and now that July is right around the corner, I need to start thinking about my next challenge. Right now it looks something like this:

July:  No TV
August:  No eating out (with the exception of planned/schedule social things)
September:  Walk 100 miles
October:  Try a new food/recipe
November:  Learn something new
December:  No swearing

I can tell you I want to move "No TV" to another month as Kristy and I have slowly been making our way through "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and I'm not willing to give that up quite yet.  Sister bonding.  I definitely want to do it, just not yet.  That leaves... no eating out.  Two food challenges back to back?  Meh.  No, lame.

I think no swearing would be a great one for me to tackle right now.  I've had quite the potty mouth lately (I've thought about re-reading the post from last week and counting the number of times I said "shit", but I'm afraid).  I dropped the f-bomb at work the other day (and let's face it, that's not the first time) and while I was in the company of co-workers and not in front of a customer, it's still inappropriate and unprofessional.  I can do better.  I will also be devising a form of punishment for myself as an incentive not to swear.  Something public and embarrassing.

But I don't want to *just* do that.  Borrrrring.  I am thinking some sort of physical challenge.  I've been going to physical therapy for my knees and hips for the last couple months and that's wrapping up next week.  Well, the office visits are wrapping up; I still have work to do on my own.  There are exercises I have to do every week and I've also learned that when I am not working out consistently, everything gets super tight and hurty.  I HAVE to keep myself accountable and moving if I am going to hike ~65 miles in Ireland come September and not be miserable the entire week.  Nobody wants a miserable hiker, particularly my co-hiker, Jennie.  (You're welcome, Jennie)

In the meantime, I'll be thinking of July 1st...

Meat date.  It's on.

Length

Someone (*cough* Ari *cough*) commented (complained?) that my last blog post was too long.

I'm writing this one while lounging at the pool on a perfect, beautiful summer day.

That is all.

Peaches

Hi there, Blog Readers!  Long time no chat, eh?  Did you miss me?  I sure did miss you!  I had a shitty commute home from work today, so I decided upon my (delayed) arrival home that I would go to the pool with a to-go-jug-of-wine (ok, it wasn't a "jug" so much as a "mug", but whatever), go for a swim, soak up some evening sun and unwind.

Ahhhh....
this is SO much better than sitting on 66.

Disguiser of Wine.

I have achieved a state of unwound and would say I am, well, not quite drunk, but really, really happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  I love my pool.  Last weekend I had wonderful friends over to swim in my pool (ha ha: "my" pool) and I'm hoping to do the same again this weekend.  Why did I waste all of those years worrying about what I looked like in a bathing suit?  That was dumb.  I plan to make up for it by swimming AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the rest of the summer.

(Please forgive typos because wine.)

Anyway.  I'm not here to talk about my bathing suit; I am here to catch up.  I never plan to go this long without blogging, but sometimes life gets in the way.  My sister moved in, completely destroying my way of life.

That's not true at all.  It has been the smoothest, easiest transition ever.  Truth be told, it didn't even feel like a transition ... it kinda felt like she's always been here.  (Not unlike a barnacle.)  We're so similar in our temperaments, interests, giggle habits, etc.  It's like we're siblings or something.  Weird.  She is gone this weekend, so I am catching up with friends, getting drunk (apparently) and watching "An American Werewolf in Paris" (pronounced "pair-ee", FYI.  'murrica).

Life has been weird lately, man.  Mostly work.  June 30 is my nine-year anniversary at my company.  NINE YEARS, people.  That's nine cat lives or something.  I am in the midst of a lull at work, meaning I have fuck-all to do.  I am trying to do some training and reading up on shit I'm not terribly familiar with, and I just applied to yet another fucking college where I will be getting a Graduate certificate in ... shit.  I don't remember.  Basically IT management or something.  Computer Science shit.   I used to be able to tear a computer down to its base components -- the motherfucking motherboard, ya'll -- and rebuild it, but that was back in my military days and I don't remember that shit now.  Anyway.  I'm rambling because wine, but I'm excited about the classes.  "The more you know..." and all that.

But work.  I hate being bored all day, not contributing.  When I am not productive at work, I don't feel productive in life.  I feel guilty and my brain gets all mushy and I feel ... guilty.  Even thought it's not my fault, guilt.  I wish I could say I don't take my work home with me, but that would be a lie and I am a terrible liar.  The worst.  I know things will get better, but in the meantime... UGH.

So.  Last month's challenge.  Get rid of all the things!  Seriously, guys, it was hands-down, no contest, fo' sho', my favorite challenge so far.  It was so cathartic getting rid of the random shit I have held on to for years because ... nostalgia.  Or something.  Every day I was excited to go through shit and weed out the crap (ok, maybe "excited" is a stretch).  I got rid of WAY more than 30 things and will likely continue to cut the chaff.

A friend asked if my month of "no unnecessary spending" changed how I spend/approach money and ... meh ... not really.  But you know what did?  The fucking month of getting rid of shit.  How did I accumulate so much SHIT?  Why did I ever think I needed so much shit?  It's hard not to get all wrapped around the axle when I look around and think, "My gawd, how much money did I spend on all of this ... stuff."  Makes me want to vomit.  Just a little.  But there's no use regretting shit, right?  What's done is done and all we can ever do is deal with what's in front of us.  There 'here and now' and all that jazz.  I have said "shit" a lot in this post.  I should use other words.

(Man, wine.  I am a lightweight.  I should, like, eat some food or something.)

So did I learn from the experience?  Yeah, for sure.  I mean that shit.  I am not naive enough to say, "I WILL NEVER SHOP AGAIN", but I have vowed that if I buy something new, I have to get rid of something.  I mean that shit.  (I said, "I mean that shit" twice in a few short sentences.  I'm not even going to change it because ... I mean that shit.)

There are not nearly enough pictures in this post.  So here is a picture of my brother, wearing my sunglasses.

Yeah, that's right.

(Sister, I drank all the wine.  I'm sorry.)

(I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym.)

Edit:  If you're wondering about "Peaches" ... I put frozen peaches in my wine as ice cubes because I'm classy like that.