Signs

Not watching TV is hard.  No, really.  The first week or so was surprisingly difficult.  I had no idea I had become so dependent.  Hi, my name is Heather and I am addicted to streaming stupid shit on Netflix.  We're talking Piranha, (actually, Piranha was highly entertaining -- in a cheesy horror, show-all-the-boobs kind of way), The Vampire Diaries (I should be ashamed, but I'm not.  I regret nothing.), Without A Paddle (I have no excuse for this one).  The list goes on.  With the exception of Breaking Bad and maybe a few others, we're not talking quality programming here.  I'm filling my brain with utter tripe and I miss it.  I miss tripe!

The word "filling" is key here.  I realized I use TV as company.  I'm alone most evenings after work (no "woe is me, I'm so alone" -- just stating the facts) and having the TV (or laptop) on is company of sorts.  It's noise, it's laughter, it's man-eating, boob-shredding, demon piranhas from the depths of hell, etc.  The first few days of no TV I felt very alone and I almost caved on numerous occasions.  It was also reminiscent of my 'Mediate Every Day' challenge in that, again, any time I am faced with quiet or an opportunity for introspection, I get itchy and uncomfortable.  That's a sign of ... something.  Yep.

But, as the month has gone on, it's gotten much easier.   I'm listening to music, tackling the pile of books (virtual pile, in the case of my Kindle), Snickers the Cat and I have had some deep, philosophical discussions about life and the joys of tuna, and that pesky junk drawer is still full of junk, but it looks neater.  It's been grand.  I also started drawing this:

I have nothing of my own to show yet, but I'll share the finish product when it's done.
I'm sure it will look exactly like this.  Only better.
(And maybe with an ox.)

When November rolls around, I have no doubt I will spend the first week huddled in bed catching up on all the shows I missed in October (I feel a cold coming on already), but I am starting to wonder if I'll go back to watching six straight hours of White Collar (... well, not that I've ever done that; it's just an example).  It's been nice not wasting hours watching bullshit and actually reading the book I want to read but normally set aside to instead get sucked into a show laden with teenage angst and werewolves.

That being said, I still have two entire seasons of Breaking Bad to catch up on.  Those episodes aren't going to watch themselves, folks!

In other news, walking down the hall at work this afternoon I realized I am supposed to be walking 15 miles this month.  I haven't done that.

Also, our team, Have Fun Storming the Castle, won at trivia tonight.  Don't hate.

Picasa does a great job of fixing 'red eye'.

I Am Annoyed

Quick meditation story...

A few weeks ago I was having a bit of a crap day.  Nothing in particular, just "one of those days" where nothing was going right.  I was tired, very hungry (read: bitchy), a bit stressed and I had dinner plans with a friend that evening.  I thought it would be in both of our best interests if I took a few minutes to collect my thoughts and ... find my happy place.

I usually say a little mantra to myself as I begin meditating:

Breathing in I calm my body,
Breathing out I smile.

Read in a book once.

So, I laid down, feeling irritated and hangry (hungry + angry) and started focusing on my breath.

... breathing in I calm my body ...
... breathing out I am annoyed...

Wait ... whut?  HAHAHAHAHA.  I laughed so hard.  Instant de-crabbify.  My Brain just threw out some truth in the middle of my serene moment.  Bitch is keeping it real.  It worked though; I was no longer a grumpasaurus.

I like my posts to have pictures, so I googled "Grumpasaurus."  I got this:

I am adorable.

And for some reason, this.

It's time for change ...
A change into my BROCCOLI HAT!

But seriously ... WTF?  

Must ... understand ...

I went back to the source of the image and the title is "Baroccoli Obama."  Oh.  I see what you did there.  Clever.

Fine. FINE! Fine.

You want to talk about meditation?  I will talk about meditation.  I probably won't actually meditate, but I'll talk to you guys about it.  No problem.  Loquacious, I am.

My little sister knows I have often tried to meditate:

Thanks for pointing out my failures, Kristy.

I have other books on meditation.  I've even read them.  Cover to cover.  Bibliophile, I am.

Oh, Thich, you slay me.

I recently signed up for a class on meditation.  Of the three classes we've had so far, I have attended one.  Money well spent.

So what's the hang up?  I have spent enough time in my Crazy Tree made of stress to quickly and accurately get the bottom of whatever it is that has driven me into those lofty branches, addressed those issues, and moved on.  But when it comes to stillness and introspection...?  Fuckity fuck fuck.  I suppose I prefer to think about boys and sex and vacations and cupcakes.  And sex.

I have been meditating this month (except for those two days when I "forgot"), but as with January and February, I feel like I'm already falling into the habit of just 'punching the ticket'; meditating to meditate.  I'm not taking it seriously and I'm certainly not giving it the time and attention it needs.  And shit, I'll be the first to admit that I need it.  I am forever burning the candle at both ends.  I am always going, rarely still.  Stillness, I need.

Candle illustration?
Or weird hot-dog-like meat product?  You decide.

So, I heretofore vow to start taking this challenge more seriously.

I mean, not tonight.  It's already pretty late and I had all that wine.  But tomorrow?  Definitely.  Watch out stillness!  I'm about to own your ass.

Tater Tots and Tutus

If you read my blog, you probably read other blogs, yeah?  You're not a one-blog-at-a-time reader/girl/guy/girl-guy/robot/zombie are you?  Well, if you don't read The Bloggess' blog, you should.  Go check it out.  I'll wait right here.

You back yet?

You're not going to going to go to The Google and search for it are you?  Lame.  Fine, BAM.  Made it easy for you.  She is delightfully insane and a complete joy to read.  Most of the time.  Sometimes she gets down into The Shit, which honestly, only makes me love her more.  Life ain't all sunshine and twine, folks; it's important to keep things real, ya'll.

(I should add, I am drinking wine wine right now.  Lots of wine.  Wine tastes good.)

(Your face tastes good.)

Why am I talking to you about The Bloggess (and wine) and not meditation?  Simple:  MEDITATING IS HARD AND I HATE IT.  But also, Ms. Bloggess inspired us to Make Things and Be Creative and I want to share said creation with you.  There is a story behind the creation, but I know you won't take the time to read it.  So, here's a recap, you lazy monkeys:

1.  The Bloggess asks Nathan Fillion (sigh) to take a picture of himself holding twine.  (There's a whole story behind that too, mostly involving silliness, but it's too much to type.  STOP BEING LAZY AND CLICK ON THE LINK.)
2.  Nathan Fillion (swoon) completely ignores The Bloggess.
3.  The Bloggess reaches out to her Twitter followers to entice (harass?) Fillion (OMGswoon) to take the damn picture already!
4.  *crickets*
5.  Other famous people chime in and send TB pictures of themselves holding twine and then ... spatulas (I already mentioned the "delightfully insane" bit of all of this, yeah?)

(Side note:  my love of Wil Wheaton knows no bounds and that man deserves an entire post of his very own, which I will likely write some day because I luff him.  LUFF!  Not only is he a Champion of all things Nerdy, Geeky, and Awesome, he's also --and I'm basing this solely on what I have read on his blog/Twitter -- a genuinely decent human being.  And he's pretty cute.  And he totes has an awesome relationship with his sons, which is a beautiful thing to read about.  And!  (No wait, there's more!)  When she asked, he sent The Bloggess a picture of himself collating paper.  Just because.  Listen to Wil, and DON'T BE A DICK, people!)

This made my Comic-Con.

(End of side note)

6.  Still with the *crickets*
7.  Suddenly and inexplicably, TB starts referring to Nathan Fillion (want) as "Nater-Tater", which in turn inspired my curly-haired gal pal, Colleen, to suggest that we make a Nater-Tater out of tater tots (genius!), throw some twine in there, and send it to TB because ... well, fuck it, whatever.  Why not?  We're special.

So that's what we did. 

This picture doesn't help you at all, does it?
Mwaaa-ha-ha!

This post is just the build-up.  Nater-Tater up next!

Blame the Tutus

Day 3 of Meditation Month and I forgot to motherfrakking meditate.  (Bad Heather!  Bad Heather!  No cupcakes for me!)  I even had a conversation about it with one of my friends last night:

Friend:  Have you meditated today?
Me:  Nope.  (gulps wine from glass)

Ok, so it wasn't a long, meaningful conversation, but ... shit.  I forgot already?!  I considered lying about it (or simply not mentioning it at all since I don't post every day), but that seemed silly since 1 - none of you gives two shits if I actually mediate, and 2 - I'd only be lying to myself and ... I already know.

Also, I am the WORST LIAR EVER.  Evidence:  I got a polygraph a few years ago and my polygrapher(?) instructed me to purposefully lie on a few questions so he could get a baseline read before getting to the meaty questions.  Mid-way through the polygraph, he calls a quality control person and they review my responses together. 

Dude on phone with QCer:  *laugher*  I know, right?  It's really something.  Yeah, mmm hmm.  I know!  *more laughter*  There's no ambiguation with this one.

Me:  WTF?  (said to myself)

Dude:  (hangs up phone)  Ms. Murnane, come take a look at this and you'll understand why we were laughing.

Here's what my graph looked like:

So that's why I can't lie about not meditating.  You would know.  As punishment for missing yesterday's session, I will tack on one day to the challenge. 

And really, I blame the tutus for my forgetfulness.

Everything is better with tutus.

My mind was focused on ... other things.  Details to follow.

Too Much Orange

(I'm experimenting with new looks for the blog and it is, perhaps, a bit OMGORANGE right now.  I'm using 'out of the box' Blogger templates, but yesterday I got my "You, Too, Can Learn HTML and CSS" book in the mail, so STAND BACK, everyone!  I'm learnin' to website.  (It's a verb, shuddup.))

Anywho, meditation.

Side note, every time I say "meditation" in my head it sounds like this:

Me-di-tay-shawn.  Ah, Cajun Man.

Anywho, meditation.

I find myself easily distracted (...distraction...) every time I think about this month's challenge.  I sat down to write this post last night and instead went to the gym.  I went to the gym -- the gym -- instead of writing about meditation.

(Ooh, I'm hungry.  I think I have a Chik Patty in freezer.  Mm, I still have a Red Bull in my bag too, and a banana.  I love bananas.  I have to volunteer at the USO tonight.  What am I going to eat for dinner?  I'm going to be there from 4-8, so I'll need to bring something with me because if I wait until after 8 to eat, I'll likely spawn little angry, Heather gremlins and nobody wants to see that.  Oh, shit, I forgot to bring a book with me.  What am I going to do for four hours?  I could ... meditate...)

I'm pretty sure that's how my entire month is going to go -- a constant struggle to overcome the "Monkey Mind" and sit quietly.  And let me tell you, I can justify the shit out of not meditating.  Hence, the challenge.  I think being held accountable (by myself, essentially, through the blog) I won't have the luxury of making excuses to do, well, pretty much anything to avoid sitting quietly; I don't want to come on here and say, "Oh, I didn't meditate today because I overcooked my eggs and I was really upset."  I'm forcing myself to start a meditation practice, with the hopes that at some point, it won't feel forced; it will be peaceful.  Based on last night, I already know it's going to be a frustrating process.  But that's why it's a challenge, yeah?  Being introspective and shit and using mediation as a form of stress management can only do good things.

(banana)

My plan:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.  I haven't had a cupcake in so long.  Maybe I should have a month of Eat a Cupcake Every Day.  Sure, I'd gain 10 pounds, but it would be worth it.  I wish I had a cupcake right now.)
5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.