Guilt Trips

My sister says to me a couple of weeks ago (via email), "This is how I feel when I check your blog and you haven't updated it."

Your blog is bad and you should feel bad.

My sister is kind of a dick.  Sometimes.  Other times she's kind of awesome.  It's a mixed bag, really. 

November ended with more of a fizzle than a bang.  There was a lot of snot involved.  I single-handedly kept Kleenex in business.  (That is an exaggeration.)  I tried and cooked yummy foods and then, BAM!  Sinus infection.  Did not enjoy.  December rolled around and... where the frak did it go?!

(I want you to know, people, I am resisting the urge to insert a gif of something running here -- as in December flew by.

...

0.o

Oh.  Perhaps I should have been looking for a flying gif.  Anyway.  Gifs are a amazing, but I don't want to over-gif.  Of course, I only update this blog about once a month these days, so there is clearly no fear of "over"doing much of anything.

Instead here is a picture I drew of someone (representing December) running by.  I spent a lot of time on it.)

I laughed so hard while drawing this, his/her/its right hand ended up a little swoopy.
Yeah, that's right.  I laugh at my own jokes.  Alone in my apartment.
Deal with it.

There's really not much to recap for December.  I was meant to be dancing and while I did dance, it wasn't an every day thing.  I took a salsa class (so fun!) and played a few rounds of Dance Central on the old XBox and I even went out in the world dancing (with boys!).  It was fun, but life has a tendency to muck up the works and I didn't dance as much as I had planned.

I fucking love dancing though.  Seriously.  I am not a great dancer.  I'm very, very white and I don't have rhythm and dancing with boys is fun but it always takes me a minute to get down with what they're doing, but ... fuck.  I love it.  I smile like a goon the entire time and like the honey badger, I don't give a shit.  It makes me happy and that's good enough for me.

Carlton just gets me.

He really does get me.

Dirt and Tulle

August 24th, still-dark-in-the-morning, the day I leave for Burning Man... Yep, this seems like the perfect time to recap July's challenge and talk to you about August's.

0.o

(That's my most favorite emoticon, by the way.  I challenge you to try to make that face in real life.)

What can I say?  The month got away from me.  Between work and friends and summer and strange (strange but attractive) people living in my house, I have been busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kicking contest and between me, you and the fencepost, I have got to find better ways to manage my time.  Or I just need to learn to say "No!"  I cram my life, nearly every day, with 47 things to do.  I have lost the ability to just ... be; to have "Heather Time."  When I'm not at work, I MUST DO ALL THE THINGS AND SEE ALL THE PEOPLE!  Basically I cram my life so full of "busyness" that I leave no time for "stillness".  And let me tell you, folks, I am feeling the effects of that.  In my brain.  I feel like I'm losing myself in the shuffle of my life.  I am always going and rarely stopping to, I dunno, smell the fucking roses or something.  I can wax philosophical about this and get all self-analytical, which I would genuinely like to do in another post, but for now...

I'M GOING TO BURNING MAN IN MERE HOURS, PEOPLE!  Hours!  Today is the day!  I am packed, organized and I want to leave right now.  I've spent all week preparing for this most epic trip:

"What are you up to?"
"Oh, not much, just trying on weird shit for Burning Man."

This fedora?  Yeah, it is made of sequins, it lights up and flashes.  I want to wear it every day.  But only with the goggles on as well.  Obv.

A few days ago my living room looked like this:

Yes, that is a pile of tulle, why do you ask?

And now it looks like this:

Them motherfuckers is ZIPPED!

If you can't tell, I'm ridiculously excited about this trip. I honestly have no idea what to expect.  I'm a bit concerned about this whole "sudden dust storm" business, but I'm already picturing the worst environment imaginable, expecting the worst, and I'm still smiling like a goon.  I long for the experiences in life --whether they be good or bad -- and even if I'm dirty and gross and eating dirt every day, I'm going to be with a phenomenal group of people and I look forward to eating dirt with them.  At Burning Man.  'Cause that's where I'm going, Burning Man.  Burning. Man.  Man of Burning.

SQUEEE!

Ok, ok... challenges.  July was no swearing and work out every day.  I believe I made it three days without swearing at all, and those were not consecutive days.  It was much more difficult than I had anticipated.  I did exercise every day though, so yay me.  I succeeded with a challenge.

This month is "no caffeine", which I quickly edited to "no coffee, Red Bull, or soda, but I can still drink tea and chew Midol by the fistful."  It's going pretty well.  I've had a half a cup of coffee a few times, but once again, I accomplished what I wanted to when I started the challenge, which was to break the habit -- the *need* for a cup of coffee to start the day.

I was also going to do this whole thing about how I need to find ways to be more positive, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, but yeah ... I didn't have time for that shit.  Who has time to think about being positive?  Get a hobby, people.

I have so much more I want to write and I wish I would have found the time to do so over the course of the month, but alas ... I must go to BURNING MAN!

Maybe next month should be "Do Less Stuff" and then I could blog more about ... doing ... nothing.

Meh.  It'll never happen.

Peaches

Hi there, Blog Readers!  Long time no chat, eh?  Did you miss me?  I sure did miss you!  I had a shitty commute home from work today, so I decided upon my (delayed) arrival home that I would go to the pool with a to-go-jug-of-wine (ok, it wasn't a "jug" so much as a "mug", but whatever), go for a swim, soak up some evening sun and unwind.

Ahhhh....
this is SO much better than sitting on 66.

Disguiser of Wine.

I have achieved a state of unwound and would say I am, well, not quite drunk, but really, really happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  I love my pool.  Last weekend I had wonderful friends over to swim in my pool (ha ha: "my" pool) and I'm hoping to do the same again this weekend.  Why did I waste all of those years worrying about what I looked like in a bathing suit?  That was dumb.  I plan to make up for it by swimming AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the rest of the summer.

(Please forgive typos because wine.)

Anyway.  I'm not here to talk about my bathing suit; I am here to catch up.  I never plan to go this long without blogging, but sometimes life gets in the way.  My sister moved in, completely destroying my way of life.

That's not true at all.  It has been the smoothest, easiest transition ever.  Truth be told, it didn't even feel like a transition ... it kinda felt like she's always been here.  (Not unlike a barnacle.)  We're so similar in our temperaments, interests, giggle habits, etc.  It's like we're siblings or something.  Weird.  She is gone this weekend, so I am catching up with friends, getting drunk (apparently) and watching "An American Werewolf in Paris" (pronounced "pair-ee", FYI.  'murrica).

Life has been weird lately, man.  Mostly work.  June 30 is my nine-year anniversary at my company.  NINE YEARS, people.  That's nine cat lives or something.  I am in the midst of a lull at work, meaning I have fuck-all to do.  I am trying to do some training and reading up on shit I'm not terribly familiar with, and I just applied to yet another fucking college where I will be getting a Graduate certificate in ... shit.  I don't remember.  Basically IT management or something.  Computer Science shit.   I used to be able to tear a computer down to its base components -- the motherfucking motherboard, ya'll -- and rebuild it, but that was back in my military days and I don't remember that shit now.  Anyway.  I'm rambling because wine, but I'm excited about the classes.  "The more you know..." and all that.

But work.  I hate being bored all day, not contributing.  When I am not productive at work, I don't feel productive in life.  I feel guilty and my brain gets all mushy and I feel ... guilty.  Even thought it's not my fault, guilt.  I wish I could say I don't take my work home with me, but that would be a lie and I am a terrible liar.  The worst.  I know things will get better, but in the meantime... UGH.

So.  Last month's challenge.  Get rid of all the things!  Seriously, guys, it was hands-down, no contest, fo' sho', my favorite challenge so far.  It was so cathartic getting rid of the random shit I have held on to for years because ... nostalgia.  Or something.  Every day I was excited to go through shit and weed out the crap (ok, maybe "excited" is a stretch).  I got rid of WAY more than 30 things and will likely continue to cut the chaff.

A friend asked if my month of "no unnecessary spending" changed how I spend/approach money and ... meh ... not really.  But you know what did?  The fucking month of getting rid of shit.  How did I accumulate so much SHIT?  Why did I ever think I needed so much shit?  It's hard not to get all wrapped around the axle when I look around and think, "My gawd, how much money did I spend on all of this ... stuff."  Makes me want to vomit.  Just a little.  But there's no use regretting shit, right?  What's done is done and all we can ever do is deal with what's in front of us.  There 'here and now' and all that jazz.  I have said "shit" a lot in this post.  I should use other words.

(Man, wine.  I am a lightweight.  I should, like, eat some food or something.)

So did I learn from the experience?  Yeah, for sure.  I mean that shit.  I am not naive enough to say, "I WILL NEVER SHOP AGAIN", but I have vowed that if I buy something new, I have to get rid of something.  I mean that shit.  (I said, "I mean that shit" twice in a few short sentences.  I'm not even going to change it because ... I mean that shit.)

There are not nearly enough pictures in this post.  So here is a picture of my brother, wearing my sunglasses.

Yeah, that's right.

(Sister, I drank all the wine.  I'm sorry.)

(I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym.)

Edit:  If you're wondering about "Peaches" ... I put frozen peaches in my wine as ice cubes because I'm classy like that.

March, A Belated Recap

(You're a belated recap.)

Remember that one time I wrote that "Sass" post all about how I was going to write a bunch of new posts?  That was cute.

It's also cute how I thought I could look at Reddit only once a day.  I suppose installing a "YOU CAN LOOK AT REDDIT WHENEVER YOU WANT" app on my phone didn't help my cause.  Cause?  There's no cause.  I'm not trying to stop.  I mean, I could stop if I wanted to, but ... why would I want to?

(Word of warning:  I don't recommend clicking on that link to Reddit up there.  Trust me on this.  It will suck all of your time away.  If you've never heard of it and are curious about what it is, here's what Wikipedia has to say:  "Reddit is a social news website where the registered users submit content, in the form of either a link or text "self" posts."  Hm, doesn't help you does it?  It's basically a lot of silly memes, pictures of cats, stories, links to actual news, and, um, other things that are funny/intereseting.  Still doesn't help you does it?  Welp, that's all I've got for you. You're on your own from here.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Alternate title for this post?  Reddit Stole My Blogging Time.

I feel like this post needs a picture.  Here is Penny running through a puddle.

Don't pretend you don't want to do this.

Anyway, let's talk turkey, turkeys.  March.  Where the frakking hell did March go?  It was here a second ago and then *poof* gone.  Though it didn't go the way I had envisioned, I gave March's challenge my best mediocre attempt and I claim victory.  V i i i i i c t o r r r y!  Mostly because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to do so.  I see no point in being all "You suck at meditation, Heather. You are a failure."  What's that going to solve?  Here's what I learned:

1.  Meditation is hard.
2.  Introspection makes me feel all itchy.
3.  I don't like too much quiet.
4.  I don't like sitting.
5.  Most of the time my Brain does whatever the fuck it wants.  I am powerless against it.

But on a serious note, I did mediate most days and my biggest accomplishment was learning that when Jeff the Troll is acting like a dickhead causing my stomach to hate me, I can sit (or lay) quietly, focus on my breathing, and I'm able to calm that big bastard down.  That in and of itself makes me feel ok about my piss-poor, half-assed attempts to meditate, and is certainly enough to declare March a success.

I didn't follow any of the rules I set out for myself:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
Ten minutes you say?  Not so much.  I would say I meditated 20 out of the 31 days and while I didn't increase me time (suddenly I'm a pirate?) or make it to 10 minutes every day, I did ... something.  
Oh.  20/31 = 65%.  That's a D.    Whatever, it's still passing.


2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
Nope.


3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
Oh, I did this one.  I love bananas.


4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
I only went to one class.  0.o


(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.)

(Those cupcakes were amazing.)



5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.
Well, I did breathe every day. 

I don't know why those are spaced like a bunch of assholes (how are assholes spaced?  You'd think ... smaller), but I'm getting angry trying to fix and nobody should be angry on Saturday.

I won't lie, I am a little disappointed in myself.  As with January and February, I feel like I didn't give it my best.  Best mediocre?  Sure.  I mediocred the shit out of March.  It's so easy to let life get in the way and use that as an excuse to not follow through on the things I set out for myself.  I do realize that I am the one who decided to take on these monthly challenges and I don't have to go through with any of it, but dammit!  For once I want to say, "I am going to do this thing." and then actually do that thing.

So, Jan - Mar didn't go the way I wanted.  They're done and gone and I have nine more months (that's a whole baby!) to make good on the promises I've made to myself.  I'm on it like white on Richard.

Incidentally, my phone auto-corrected "white on rice" to "white on Richard" the other day and now I kind of want that to be a thing.  Let's make that happen.

February, the Month of Coloring, a Recap

February went the way of January with not nearly enough time during the week to "be creative."  Why does time seem eternal when sitting behind your desk at work, but there are never enough hours once you return home in the evening?  If only I could paint or color or sew (ha ha - sew - like I know how to do that) at work, all of my time problems would have been solved.

I did creatively shower one afternoon when our apartment complex lost water due to an extreme broken pipe.  Took 'em three days to fix that shit.  Three. Days.  One does not truly appreciate running water until it is gone.

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Ahem.  Cinderella.

It was a cold shower.  And not one I hope to repeat any time soon.

I didn't tackle nearly as  many things on my list as I had hoped to.

 1. Draw, color, paint.
 2. Make another robot.
 3. Make an awesome paper airplane and/or oragami.
 4. Make a candle.
 5. Put together a little bonsai zen garden in my mom's greenhouse.
 6. Try new recipes, mostly cupcakes.  "Making" toast will not count.
 7. Flip through the craft books that I borrowed from Mindy for other ideas.
 8. Work on the Antarctica map project I've been kicking around in my head for years now.
 9. This list has to go to 10.
10. Writing exercises.

Wow, ok, so I basically only did number one (heh, that means pee) and sort of number three.  Perhaps I should have referred to this list sooner than March 1st.  0.o

Mostly, I colored.  A lot.  It was my default activity and though it felt a bit like cheating or "phoning it in" (taking a picture to take a picture), I found myself looking forward to it.  Sometimes stress gets the better of  me and sitting down with a coloring book (don't judge) was incredibly cathartic and relaxing.  I could disconnect and enter a very zen-like must-stay-in-the-lines state.  And I got smelly makers, which added to the experience.  Lemon yellow was the best.

So, I colored.  A lot.  These bastards take an eternity to finish.

My favorite.

A work in progress.  Like your face.
OHH!

Despite not venturing too far from the color, sketch, draw-things-in-Paint realm, I feel good about the month.  Could I have gone out of my box a bit more?  Sure.  But, it is what it is, and it was fun and fuck it, it's my damn challenge anyway.  I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! 

I did learn things though:  I can't draw for shit, but I can color like a boss.  That's nothing to shake a stick at.

You can shake a stick at this though.

I am still sad.

I'll likely keep drawing silly things throughout the year because it amuses me to do so and it will help liven up my March posts about meditating, which aren't likely to be too riveting.

One Down, 11 to Go

January was a hoot.  I fully anticipated being annoyed -- at least once or twice -- having to schlep my camera around every day hunting for something interesting to take a picture of.  Didn't happen.  Not once.  In fact, most days I looked forward to it.

How could I not look forward to photographing this little starlet?

I am a creature of habit and I tend to follow the same routine (particularly during the week -- the weekends are always HAVE FUN WITH AWESOME PEOPLE.):  go to work, go home, eat dinner, workout (*cough* not every day *cough*), watch some crap on TV/Netflix, go to bed, rinse, repeat.  Variations on this include, volunteer nights (Tuesdays and Fridays) and occasional dinner (or movie or hookah or olive oil tasting) with friends.  It's difficult to break from that routine without a purpose, hence The Year of 30 Days.  Voila!  Instant purpose.

Breaking from that typical work-a-day routine was surprisingly refreshing.  I enjoyed the brainstorming, talking to people about what I'm doing, going to interesting places, and more importantly, I've noticed a subtle shift in my overall perspective.  Nothing dramatic -- we're not talking an Eat, Pray, Love-esque spiritual awakening here, but I have noticed a disturbance in the force ("Luuuuke...").  But that's a longer discussion for another post.

I definitely "phoned it in" a couple of times.  There were days when life got the better of me and I simply didn't have the time to make an excursion.  I also had moments of, "I have taken pictures of all of the things.  There are no other things."  The series of eye pictures came about on such a day.  No. Other. Ideas.  As it turns out, that was my favorite post.

Speaking of, out of curiosity I took a picture the next day with makeup on this time:

My eyelashes are ridiculous, but I threw that clumpy-ass mascara away.

Lessons learned:

1.  I could have used the opportunity to practice different photography techniques -- maybe experiment with the many functions my camera has rather than, for the most part, sticking to the 'auto' setting.

2.  Plan, plan, plan.  Many days I found myself with nary a picture at 10 o'clock at night.

3.  Don't worry so much about the "creative" or the "interesting".  The idea was to take a picture, not focus on entertaining my 10s of readers.  Though, that being said, I love the shit out of this blog.  If January was a "hoot", the blog is a "hoot and a half".  I'd write it with or without readers ... but I prefer with.

Next stop, arts & crafts....