Hello Cupcake!

A few years ago – six, to be exact-ish – my body made the rash and misguided decision to no longer allow dairy into its delicate and rather fractious system.  A war was waged, finally resulting in my reluctant and anguished surrender to life as a Lactose Intolerant.  I learned to live without dessert, without the sheen of cheese bubbling and browning on top of baked ziti, without my mother’s butter and Velveeta-laden homemade macaroni and cheese.  Sure, there are dairy-free alternatives to both cheese and dessert, but let’s face it folks, none of them can compete with the likes of velvety cheesecake or Doritos dripping with chili con queso.  But, humans are remarkable creatures and like the many sufferers of all things dairy who came before me, I learned to adapt. 

Goodbye forever, dairy products.

Years go by.  I, for the most part, refrain from cheese and dessert.  It is not a life filled with pizza or molten lava chocolate cake, but it is a good life nonetheless.

Enter the cupcake craze.  Suddenly, cupcakes everywhere.  Do you know, dear readers, who cupcake dealers strive to accommodate?  Everyone.  Everyone, everywhere.  Not only do they bake delicious, delectable, buttery, creamy, lactose-filled cupcakes of all flavors and varieties, many have added gluten and dairy-free options to their repertoire to satisfy those less fortunate delicate flowers such as myself; we champions of label-reading, we "can-you-please-put-the-cheese/dressing/whipped cream-on-the-side" wretches.

The cupcake craze incited my journey to find the perfect, the best, the most drool-worthy vegan cupcake the world has to offer.  (And by “the world” I mean the “Washington Metropolitan Area”.)  I wanted to enjoy dessert again – not merely eat the dry, gritty, strange concoctions I was presented with as my only alternatives.  I won’t take the time to extol the virtues of the man fine cupcake establishments I have visited (and in some cases, frequented) over the years.  No one has that kind of time and the point of this post is to tell you about the near-orgasmic cupcake experience I had last night near Eastern Market in DC.

After a lovely stroll and dinner with the equally lovely and charming Katie and Kristy, we executed a quick Google search in hopes of finding a nearby cupcakery.  We were lucky enough to find Hello Cupcake a mere two blocks away.  With its ooey-gooey-happy pink awning, it was easily spotted.   Experience has taught me to always enter a cupcakery with an air of apprehension, as I have left many a shoppe feeling sad and disheartened when no Heather-friendly options were available.  But I was in luck last night!  Not only did I have options – I had THREE options.  A chocolate cupcake with chocolate, vanilla OR strawberry icing.  Choices!  I had choices!  I opted for a strawberry-iced cupcake because they’re a rarity in the vegan world and it looked oh-so-inviting.  Cupcake and ginger soda in hand, I settled down at the table and took a tiny taste of the icing.

(I love you.)

AN EXPLOSION OF FLAVOR!  DELICIOUS!  DELECTABLE! AND OTHER ADJECTIVES AS WELL!  It was thick and creamy, no weird grittiness or texture issues, no off-putting after taste.  The flavor was spot-on, the strawberries bursting through.  Is this too good to be true?  The cake bit has to be horrible, right?  But, no!  My socks were cleanly and swiftly knocked off after the first moist, chocolatey bite.  Again, no disconcerting texture issues, no cardboard-like consistency.  And a bite with both icing and cake?  A perfect, heavenly combination. 

I have found my cupcake mecca folks.  As an Arlington resident it couldn’t be more out of the way, but I will gladly venture there as often as my waistline will allow.  I still have two other flavors to try, after all.  Thank you, Penny the Pasty Proprietress for a truly surprising and enchanting cupcake experience.  I look forward to round two.

Hello Cupcake has two locations (and they deliver!).  I highly recommend a visit.

Dupont Circle

1361 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20036
Just south of Dupont Circle, across from the Metro

Capitol Hill (Barracks Row)

705 8th Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
3 blocks south of Eastern Market Metro

March, A Belated Recap

(You're a belated recap.)

Remember that one time I wrote that "Sass" post all about how I was going to write a bunch of new posts?  That was cute.

It's also cute how I thought I could look at Reddit only once a day.  I suppose installing a "YOU CAN LOOK AT REDDIT WHENEVER YOU WANT" app on my phone didn't help my cause.  Cause?  There's no cause.  I'm not trying to stop.  I mean, I could stop if I wanted to, but ... why would I want to?

(Word of warning:  I don't recommend clicking on that link to Reddit up there.  Trust me on this.  It will suck all of your time away.  If you've never heard of it and are curious about what it is, here's what Wikipedia has to say:  "Reddit is a social news website where the registered users submit content, in the form of either a link or text "self" posts."  Hm, doesn't help you does it?  It's basically a lot of silly memes, pictures of cats, stories, links to actual news, and, um, other things that are funny/intereseting.  Still doesn't help you does it?  Welp, that's all I've got for you. You're on your own from here.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Alternate title for this post?  Reddit Stole My Blogging Time.

I feel like this post needs a picture.  Here is Penny running through a puddle.

Don't pretend you don't want to do this.

Anyway, let's talk turkey, turkeys.  March.  Where the frakking hell did March go?  It was here a second ago and then *poof* gone.  Though it didn't go the way I had envisioned, I gave March's challenge my best mediocre attempt and I claim victory.  V i i i i i c t o r r r y!  Mostly because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to do so.  I see no point in being all "You suck at meditation, Heather. You are a failure."  What's that going to solve?  Here's what I learned:

1.  Meditation is hard.
2.  Introspection makes me feel all itchy.
3.  I don't like too much quiet.
4.  I don't like sitting.
5.  Most of the time my Brain does whatever the fuck it wants.  I am powerless against it.

But on a serious note, I did mediate most days and my biggest accomplishment was learning that when Jeff the Troll is acting like a dickhead causing my stomach to hate me, I can sit (or lay) quietly, focus on my breathing, and I'm able to calm that big bastard down.  That in and of itself makes me feel ok about my piss-poor, half-assed attempts to meditate, and is certainly enough to declare March a success.

I didn't follow any of the rules I set out for myself:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
Ten minutes you say?  Not so much.  I would say I meditated 20 out of the 31 days and while I didn't increase me time (suddenly I'm a pirate?) or make it to 10 minutes every day, I did ... something.  
Oh.  20/31 = 65%.  That's a D.    Whatever, it's still passing.


2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
Nope.


3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
Oh, I did this one.  I love bananas.


4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
I only went to one class.  0.o


(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.)

(Those cupcakes were amazing.)



5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.
Well, I did breathe every day. 

I don't know why those are spaced like a bunch of assholes (how are assholes spaced?  You'd think ... smaller), but I'm getting angry trying to fix and nobody should be angry on Saturday.

I won't lie, I am a little disappointed in myself.  As with January and February, I feel like I didn't give it my best.  Best mediocre?  Sure.  I mediocred the shit out of March.  It's so easy to let life get in the way and use that as an excuse to not follow through on the things I set out for myself.  I do realize that I am the one who decided to take on these monthly challenges and I don't have to go through with any of it, but dammit!  For once I want to say, "I am going to do this thing." and then actually do that thing.

So, Jan - Mar didn't go the way I wanted.  They're done and gone and I have nine more months (that's a whole baby!) to make good on the promises I've made to myself.  I'm on it like white on Richard.

Incidentally, my phone auto-corrected "white on rice" to "white on Richard" the other day and now I kind of want that to be a thing.  Let's make that happen.

Fine. FINE! Fine.

You want to talk about meditation?  I will talk about meditation.  I probably won't actually meditate, but I'll talk to you guys about it.  No problem.  Loquacious, I am.

My little sister knows I have often tried to meditate:

Thanks for pointing out my failures, Kristy.

I have other books on meditation.  I've even read them.  Cover to cover.  Bibliophile, I am.

Oh, Thich, you slay me.

I recently signed up for a class on meditation.  Of the three classes we've had so far, I have attended one.  Money well spent.

So what's the hang up?  I have spent enough time in my Crazy Tree made of stress to quickly and accurately get the bottom of whatever it is that has driven me into those lofty branches, addressed those issues, and moved on.  But when it comes to stillness and introspection...?  Fuckity fuck fuck.  I suppose I prefer to think about boys and sex and vacations and cupcakes.  And sex.

I have been meditating this month (except for those two days when I "forgot"), but as with January and February, I feel like I'm already falling into the habit of just 'punching the ticket'; meditating to meditate.  I'm not taking it seriously and I'm certainly not giving it the time and attention it needs.  And shit, I'll be the first to admit that I need it.  I am forever burning the candle at both ends.  I am always going, rarely still.  Stillness, I need.

Candle illustration?
Or weird hot-dog-like meat product?  You decide.

So, I heretofore vow to start taking this challenge more seriously.

I mean, not tonight.  It's already pretty late and I had all that wine.  But tomorrow?  Definitely.  Watch out stillness!  I'm about to own your ass.

Blame the Tutus

Day 3 of Meditation Month and I forgot to motherfrakking meditate.  (Bad Heather!  Bad Heather!  No cupcakes for me!)  I even had a conversation about it with one of my friends last night:

Friend:  Have you meditated today?
Me:  Nope.  (gulps wine from glass)

Ok, so it wasn't a long, meaningful conversation, but ... shit.  I forgot already?!  I considered lying about it (or simply not mentioning it at all since I don't post every day), but that seemed silly since 1 - none of you gives two shits if I actually mediate, and 2 - I'd only be lying to myself and ... I already know.

Also, I am the WORST LIAR EVER.  Evidence:  I got a polygraph a few years ago and my polygrapher(?) instructed me to purposefully lie on a few questions so he could get a baseline read before getting to the meaty questions.  Mid-way through the polygraph, he calls a quality control person and they review my responses together. 

Dude on phone with QCer:  *laugher*  I know, right?  It's really something.  Yeah, mmm hmm.  I know!  *more laughter*  There's no ambiguation with this one.

Me:  WTF?  (said to myself)

Dude:  (hangs up phone)  Ms. Murnane, come take a look at this and you'll understand why we were laughing.

Here's what my graph looked like:

So that's why I can't lie about not meditating.  You would know.  As punishment for missing yesterday's session, I will tack on one day to the challenge. 

And really, I blame the tutus for my forgetfulness.

Everything is better with tutus.

My mind was focused on ... other things.  Details to follow.

Too Much Orange

(I'm experimenting with new looks for the blog and it is, perhaps, a bit OMGORANGE right now.  I'm using 'out of the box' Blogger templates, but yesterday I got my "You, Too, Can Learn HTML and CSS" book in the mail, so STAND BACK, everyone!  I'm learnin' to website.  (It's a verb, shuddup.))

Anywho, meditation.

Side note, every time I say "meditation" in my head it sounds like this:

Me-di-tay-shawn.  Ah, Cajun Man.

Anywho, meditation.

I find myself easily distracted (...distraction...) every time I think about this month's challenge.  I sat down to write this post last night and instead went to the gym.  I went to the gym -- the gym -- instead of writing about meditation.

(Ooh, I'm hungry.  I think I have a Chik Patty in freezer.  Mm, I still have a Red Bull in my bag too, and a banana.  I love bananas.  I have to volunteer at the USO tonight.  What am I going to eat for dinner?  I'm going to be there from 4-8, so I'll need to bring something with me because if I wait until after 8 to eat, I'll likely spawn little angry, Heather gremlins and nobody wants to see that.  Oh, shit, I forgot to bring a book with me.  What am I going to do for four hours?  I could ... meditate...)

I'm pretty sure that's how my entire month is going to go -- a constant struggle to overcome the "Monkey Mind" and sit quietly.  And let me tell you, I can justify the shit out of not meditating.  Hence, the challenge.  I think being held accountable (by myself, essentially, through the blog) I won't have the luxury of making excuses to do, well, pretty much anything to avoid sitting quietly; I don't want to come on here and say, "Oh, I didn't meditate today because I overcooked my eggs and I was really upset."  I'm forcing myself to start a meditation practice, with the hopes that at some point, it won't feel forced; it will be peaceful.  Based on last night, I already know it's going to be a frustrating process.  But that's why it's a challenge, yeah?  Being introspective and shit and using mediation as a form of stress management can only do good things.

(banana)

My plan:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.  I haven't had a cupcake in so long.  Maybe I should have a month of Eat a Cupcake Every Day.  Sure, I'd gain 10 pounds, but it would be worth it.  I wish I had a cupcake right now.)
5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.

Swing and a Miss

Today was a bit of an odd day.  I was at work for around 15 hours.  Fifteen.  I counted.  I even used my fingers because I thought for sure I was wrong (math hard), but nope.  Fifteen.  I was creative at work today but I can't share it on here, so instead, here are some pretty flowers.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am very tired

Jennie's lovely BF sent her these flowers today.  (Is it ok to call a man "lovely"?)  She wasn't there to pick them up from the front desk this evening, so I grabbed them for her and brought them safely to my her office.  I had to cancel my own V-Day date to be responsible an' shit, so I had a bag of chips and an orange for dinner.  Shockingly, I am still hungry.

Figured I'd work off that crap "meal" at my volunteer shenanigans... where I saw this:

Sure is a lot of space on this table.

WHERE'S MY GIFT BAG!?  I VOLUNTEER SO I'LL GET FREE SHIT!  FUCK YOU, CUPID.

(Actually, that's not true at all; I volunteer so I can lord it over other people and feel superior.)


(No I don't.)


(I need a hug.)


(And possibly a cupcake.)


(Or three.)


(I'm going to bed now.)


(With my cat.)


(And no cupcakes.)

Sock Star

I have hitherto been very remiss in updating this blog o' mine.  Where do I even begin?  I recovered quite nicely from the dental torture of last week and had a fabulous weekend filled with fabulous people.

Friday, I played with guns.  I was surprised to find myself tense and jumpy when we first got started.  I handled weapons (well, *a* weapon) in the military, but that was many (many) (many) moons ago.  After shooting a dozen or so rounds with the Sig Sauer 9MM pistol, I decided it wasn't the hobby for me and was content to watch everyone else ... until Sean convinced me to try a different gun.

Holy Thunderous .357 Magnum, Batman!

That thing was intense.  And loud, so very loud.  I felt like a sock star.  A gun-wielding, awkward, giggly rock star.  (For those nit-picky grammarians out there (*cough* Kristy *cough*) I do realize I just called myself a "sock star", but given one of my, um, more unique traits, I though it was apropos.)

My creative attempt for the day was to make a smiley face on my target (what else would I make?).  My accuracy is to be envied by gun enthusiasts everywhere.

Happy, happy, happy.

What do you mean you can't see it?  Seriously?  It's so obvious, but here, I'll help you out...

Just play along.

Once again, three cheers for Meredith (for being born) and Sean (for organizing and making bulls eye cupcakes).

Feed Me!

I went to the see the dentist this morning.  I didn't enjoy it.  In fact, I feel pretty strongly that I am deserving of a cupcake after facing the trauma, horror and injustice of time spent in the Chair of Doom.  Cupcakes make everything shiny and full of rainbows again.  Sometimes there are unicorns.  Who fart glitter.

This is what a fairly typical dentist's office looks like:

Sterile, but unoffensive.

And this is what I imagine when I step into the building:

Dude, can I at least get some Nitrous first?

Sprinkles in Georgetown.  Red Velvet cupcake.  I want to go to there.

P.S.  My dentist is not using proper chainsaw form or technique.  And he has forearms of steel.
P.P.S.  I wasn't actually dressed like a slightly peppier version of Freddy Krueger... though I am wearing a sweater with stripes and I am exactly that pale.