2012, I Salute You

2012, The Year of 30 Days.  It’s such a cliché, but the older I get (I know, I know…  I’m only 28, but 30 is right around the corner, folks), the more quickly time seems to pass.   I swear I was *just* doing the ‘take a picture every day’ challenge.  Like, yesterday.  How did we go from that to 2013?  Boggles the mind I tell you.  Boggles.

In hindsight, I might have bit off more than I can chew (that's what she said) with this year-long challenge.  I was full steam ahead at the beginning of '12, but that slowly dissipated as we got into the colder months.  (Can I blame it on that?   Being cold?  Yeah, totally.  I was super cold.)

At first I was all, "whee" and then I was all "ugh."

With all of the regular life stuff going on (the life of a social butterfly is quite busy, I’ll have you know), I found it difficult to keep the challenges (and therefore, blog) in focus; eventually, they became more of an afterthought.  "Oh.  I have a blog.  I should write something.  About the challenges I'm doing.  Shit.  What is the challenge I'm supposed to be doing?  Dancing.  Right.  I should be dancing."

Making panties drop.

I was hoping this year would break me of this habit of not always seeing things through: "I'm going to lose 1,000 pounds!  "I'm going to become super-duper fit!"  "I'm going to learn a programming language!"  Etc.  It didn't.  But I did come to accept that that pattern is more of a Human Behavior than a Heather Behavior.  I am not a unique snowflake; I am not alone in the I AM GOING TO DO ALL THE THINGS (and then not do all the things) camp.  That doesn’t make it ok, but I feel better knowing that I am not a crap person simply because things didn't quite work out as planned.  Tomorrow's another day.  Or some shit.  I also realized that I would likely be more successful in achieving my goals if I break them into smaller, more manageable pieces.  Baby steps, people... baby steps.  One small step for man, one achievable goal for Heather.

It also reminded that I can find an excuse for absolutely anything, which I believe I have already written about on here.  I can reason away any old thing that seems hard or not fun.  Go ahead, try me.  Give me a problem and I bet I can find a way to justify your way around it.  ZOMG!  THAT IS MY SUPER POWER!!!  I have the Power of Justification. 

I will save you from the things you don't want to do!

Hm.  Reading over this, it sounds a bit negative.  I’m too lazy to erase it and start over, so let me touch on the highlights, the good stuff.  My favorite challenge of the year was hands-down ‘get rid of something every day’.  Holy moly, was that cathartic as fuck.  I have managed to continue that practice throughout the year – if I bring something new into the house, I get rid of something old, useless or unnecessary (wish I could include my cat in that category).  End the Cycle of Crap.  Rock on. 

My favorite picture of the year:

To infinity and beyond!

My favorite art project of the year:

An obvious choice, I know.

My favorite first day of a new month:

Meat!  I can eat meat again!
Yeah, get it in there.  Get that meat in there.

Party in my mouth.

Equal parts frustrating (as fuck) and funny, the ‘no swearing’ challenge surprised me with its obscene difficultly.  I truly believed I would sail through that month like a rockstar, with nary a swear word in site.  Silly Heather.  Silly, silly Heather.

Overall, I'm not sure how I feel about this experiment of mine.  Part of me feels like I could have done it “better”.  Whatever that means.  Some months I feel like I was going through the motions (no TV) and others I completely gave up on (meditation?  Bite me, introspection).   Maybe I could have been more creative with how I interpreted some of the challenges (did I need so many pictures of clouds?) and I certainly could have upped the frequency of my blog posts.  But I am often hard on myself and if I look at it more objectively, it was a great year, I had fantastic experiences, met fabulous new people, went on some amazing vacations, tried new stuff and things and learned a little about myself in the process (I love collared greens, rabbit, and swearing; do not love duck or meditation).

Did it change me in any grand, fundamental way?  Probably not.  I’d like to think I’m a little more self-aware and a bit more forgiving and accepting of my quirks and foibles.  I hope to be forever on the hunt to find ways to become a better version of myself.  I think this year I did that.  Good job, me.  I’m going to do something similar for 2013, so be on the lookout for a new blog name (same URL to make it easy) (you’re easy) and new posts for 2013.  WOO.

Guilt Trips

My sister says to me a couple of weeks ago (via email), "This is how I feel when I check your blog and you haven't updated it."

Your blog is bad and you should feel bad.

My sister is kind of a dick.  Sometimes.  Other times she's kind of awesome.  It's a mixed bag, really. 

November ended with more of a fizzle than a bang.  There was a lot of snot involved.  I single-handedly kept Kleenex in business.  (That is an exaggeration.)  I tried and cooked yummy foods and then, BAM!  Sinus infection.  Did not enjoy.  December rolled around and... where the frak did it go?!

(I want you to know, people, I am resisting the urge to insert a gif of something running here -- as in December flew by.

...

0.o

Oh.  Perhaps I should have been looking for a flying gif.  Anyway.  Gifs are a amazing, but I don't want to over-gif.  Of course, I only update this blog about once a month these days, so there is clearly no fear of "over"doing much of anything.

Instead here is a picture I drew of someone (representing December) running by.  I spent a lot of time on it.)

I laughed so hard while drawing this, his/her/its right hand ended up a little swoopy.
Yeah, that's right.  I laugh at my own jokes.  Alone in my apartment.
Deal with it.

There's really not much to recap for December.  I was meant to be dancing and while I did dance, it wasn't an every day thing.  I took a salsa class (so fun!) and played a few rounds of Dance Central on the old XBox and I even went out in the world dancing (with boys!).  It was fun, but life has a tendency to muck up the works and I didn't dance as much as I had planned.

I fucking love dancing though.  Seriously.  I am not a great dancer.  I'm very, very white and I don't have rhythm and dancing with boys is fun but it always takes me a minute to get down with what they're doing, but ... fuck.  I love it.  I smile like a goon the entire time and like the honey badger, I don't give a shit.  It makes me happy and that's good enough for me.

Carlton just gets me.

He really does get me.

Shirlington Ho s

In today's blog post, I am going to share my Saturday adventures with you.  My seester came to visit for the weekend and much fun was had by all.  Shenanigans galore (I'm going to skip the telling of the "shenanigans" that involved laying on the couch in baggy sweatpants and stick to the fun bits).  This tale will largely be told in picture form, because we took a lot of damn pictures.

We began the day's adventures with a late breakfast at Busboys & Poets.  I had chili, Kristy had mimosas.

Ok, I had mimosas too.

Happy, in a mild mimosa fugue state, we camped out in a local Starbucks (the mild, mimosa fugue state only lasts so long before the extreme post-mimosa sleepy state settles in), where Kristy did some homework (about five minutes worth, as a matter of fact) and I did a hours and hours wee bit of work-work.   I'm sure you're not surprised to hear that we didn't get much actual work done, but our grand intentions should count for something.  We did enjoy each other's company, as well as the many silly things we found on Reddit.

As our breakfast was more of a brunch we didn't have an actual lunch, and after exhausting ourselves with all the hard work and whatnot, we were starving by 5ish.  We headed off to Jaleo -- a spectacular Spanish tapas place in Crystal City -- at 5:30 to have dinner.  With the rest of the geriatrics.

Our first course was sparkling white sangria.

According to Kristy:  "This tastes like heaven."
Also, "It looks like we're drinking vegetables.  There's a lot of green."

Next came the tiny cheese with tiny breads with tiny spreads.  And more sangria.

Heather says, "This cheese is the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth."

(says Kristy)

Needing meat (*wink*) in addition to the sangria (and mostly just to expel the horror that was the taste of goat cheese out of my mouth forever), I ordered spicy chorizo wrapped in potatoes and my oh-so-very-favorite, fried dates wrapped in bacon (why yes, they are as amazing as they sound).

I look the same in every single picture ever, so here, the important things:
booze and fried bacony goodness.

In honor of my I WILL TRY LOTS OF NEW THINGS month, I threw caution to the wind and ordered Conejo En Salmorego Con Pure De Albaricoques, or Canary Island-style (tiny, fluffly, adorable) rabbit confit with apricot puree.

Skeptical Heather is skeptical.

But Heather, the charming and graceful eater that she is, dug in with gusto.  (Why do I keep referring to myself in the third person?)

Does my mouth need to be open that wide?

And you know what?  Cute, sweet, fluffy little bunnies ARE DELICIOUS!

On the outside I looked like this...

... but on the inside, my mouth and tummy were doing this.

Dessert seemed like the next course of action (see what I did there?), but looking at the dessert menu, we were flummoxed.

Kristy:  I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS HERE.

Truth be told, we were in such a happy, blissful sangria state, it didn't matter much what we ordered.  We had something with apples in some kind of sauce in some kind of magical bread pouch-thing and it was scrum-diddly-umptious.

And finally we were done and full and happy and in need of HOOKAH.  Off to Andalusia we went.  A tea and hookah joint, to be precise.  Hookah.  Tea.  Hm, I see hookah, and tea, but... but... where's the WINE?!  Alas, wine was not to be had at Andalusia, but I will say the hookah was top-notch, as were the random friends we made while sitting outside, enjoying the night and our shisha.  (Or however you spell that.)

Still, we were sad to lose our sangria-induced happiness and being the classy ladies we are, we (we being "I") popped over to the 7-11 and bought a few small bottles of wine, which we sipped surreptitiously throughout the evening.   All class, my friends, all class.

We rounded out the evening with yet more wine at Capital City Brewery in Shirlington and had grand plans to head back to the homestead after finishing our drinks and end our evening with a rousing bout of Dance Central on the XBox, but instead, we went immediately to sleep.  Immediately.  I don't think we could have managed to turn on the XBox, much less rustle up enough coordination to play any sort of game.  Unless it was a sleeping game; that we would have rocked at.

Shit, we couldn't even manage a decent self-portrait.

"Kristy, why can't you get your head in there?"

....alllllmost.

"Kriiisty, I don't want a solo picture."

"Here, I'll take the picture."
See, perfect.

As good as it's going to get.  At least that night.

(OHFORTHELOVEOFGODANDALLTHATISHOLY!  It should not be this difficult to format multiple pictures at once.  Make this better, Google!)

And that was our very fun Saturday.  Our Sunday involved the couch, the television and not much else.  Totally worth it.

To go back to the challenge a bit, here are some other things I have tried this month:  a new chili recipe, duck (at a Peking Duck place -- I'm glad I had the experience, but I find it perfectly acceptable to never eat duck again.  Bring on the wabbit!), chocolate covered edamame (do not want again).  Um, shit.  Wait, no, I didn't eat shit.  I meant "Shit!" in an exclamatory fashion because I can't remember any of the other things I've tried this month.  Next post... (which will be a less boozey post).

This is where I live and would now, and forever more, like to be known as a "Shirlington Ho" (..s).

Beasts of Burden

Three miles down today, two more to go.  I like the walking.  I don't have nearly enough time (or easy access, for that matter) to hike more often that I do; I think walking on the treadmill or around my 'hood might be a good alternative.  Minus the blisters.  Those I still need to manage.  I did get me some awfully purdy new shoes today though.  My others were being held together by tape, so it was time for an upgrade. 

Like walking on air.

With buckets of time to spare, I have decided on next month's challenge:  try a new food/recipe every day. Also, pick a long-term goal and spend 30-60 minutes on it per day.

I'm going to be realistic with the food challenge though.  For one thing, I'm not going to have time to create a culinary masterpiece every night -- particularly during the week -- so going to Whole Foods and picking out a random, terrifying looking fruit or vegetable is going to count.  It is new, after all.  Also, I know it's going to be nigh impossible to cook or shop every single day.  I will do my very best, but I will settle for 5 out of 7 days, especially since this is going to be a dual-beast.

Which brings me to the other beast... My long-term goal is to learn Python, a scripting/programming language.  It'd be incredibly beneficial for work -- lots of our customers use it.  I've tried to learn it a couple of times now and I find it fucking impossible.  It's like learning ... another language.  (Bah dum tss.)  I'm hoping having it a challenge will spur me on.  I'll be forced to spend more time with it.

So there you have it.  Come on, November!  Show me whatcha got.

Keening and Wailing

My dear-friend-who-moved-far-away-and-I-miss-greatly, otherwise known as Shannon, said I should have been blogging more this month since I had all this free time on my hands.  But here's the thing, what does one write about in a blog about challenges when the challenge is to *not* do something?  A passage challenge does not lend it self to blogging material.  Active challenges!  I need more activity!  (That's what she said.)

Oct 1:  Today I didn't watch TV.
Oct 5:  Today I didn't watch TV.
Oct 10:  Still haven't watched TV.

That's a very boring blog.  Though I suppose it would be less boring than no blog at all.  Well, my remaining five readers, I'm nestled in my apartment, listening to Hurricane Sandy (least intimidating hurricane name I've heard yet.  Oh, Sandy... "Summer loving, had me a blast!  Summer loving, happened so fa-a-a-a-a-st.") and her keening, wailing wind as I sip my appropriately sized glass of wine and jam to Anberlin.  Perfect atmosphere for bloggin'.  At least until the power goes out.

I can think of no other appropriate post-workout beverage.
And look!  I still have power.  Cheers.

The challenge this month has been surprisingly easy.  Not very challengey.  I think part of the difficulty in blogging is that I don't feel like I'm doing much this month -- as if I'm going through the motions of the monthly challenge, but not actively doing anything.  Lesson learned, I suppose:  not watching TV isn't that difficult for me.

Walking my remaining 15 miles on the other hand...  I probably shouldn't have waited until the last week of the month to knock that shit out.

(Reddit meme)

But, I've got 10 under my belt -- only five left to go (see how well I do math, everyone??).  Two and a half miles over the next couple of days, no problem.

So, we've got November and December to go through and I want those two remaining months to be more along the lines of "take a picture every day" or "do something creative every day."  For one, it gives me more to write about and I genuinely, truly enjoy writing this blog; and two, I like having a project or -- and I'm tired of writing this word -- a challenge. Other than trivia, that is.  That's only one night a week, after all.

(Looked up "challenge" in Word's thesaurus:  test, trial, task, contest, encounter, experiment, throw down the gauntlet (not making that up).  Ok.  "Challenge" it is then.)

I have a few remaining (sigh) challenges on my list:

- try a  new food/recipe every day
- learn something new every day
- make one long-term goal and spend an hour on it every day

I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.  I've got two days left to pick something.  Plenty of time.

Room for Activities

My dream was to have October's challenge be Learn to Play the Banjo!  But alas, due to vacations and The Crazy, I wasn't able to set it up.  Instead... NO TV (that includes Netflix, Hulu, HGBGo, and so on).  That's less exciting than learning to play the banjo and starting my own one-woman bluegrass band, but there will be so much room for activities without television!  I decided on this challenge late last night and I had already been watching the old boob tube, so, uhh, yesterday doesn't count.  This I have decreed.  Or how about, I get a one-day pass since I also have to walk 15 miles this month and last night I used that pass.  MULLIGAN!

I'm excited about this one.  I have an ever-growing pile of books I'd like to tackle, but I always find myself sucked into one show after another -- and some of them not even good shows, just filler -- and the pile remains alone and neglected.  (Much like my ... oh, never mind.)

I don't have the self-control to stop watching TV on my own, so having this blog is a convenient way to trick my brain into thinking I actually want to do whatever the thing is for the month (except for swearing; there's no tricking my brain when it comes to swearing.  Or meditating.) and I might actually be able cross off some of the items on my "To Do" (or "To Read") list.

What I think I'm going to do in the evenings with all my extra time:

- read
- journal
- draw/paint things

Like this!  Drew and painted over the summer.
(Also, Ox)

- exercise more
- volunteer more
- spend more time with friends

What I'll probably do in the evenings with all my extra time:

- nap
- browse reddit

The Other Half

Thankfully there are two parts to July's challenge and I'm kicking butt on the second half.  Exercise every day.  That's it.  Simple, to the point, none of this "try to stop doing something you do multiple times a day every single day" business.  Just get your butt off the couch and move. 

(I like to move it, move it... I like to MOVE IT.)

So I've been doing that.  I don't necessarily have to do a full-blown workout every day, but I have to do something for at least 20 minutes.  That is the arbitrary rule I made up.  My angry hips and knees are the impetus for this challenge.  I've been going to physical therapy twice a week for the past two months for said angry hips and knees.  My knees feel stellar now, but my hips are still a bit sullen. 

"How are you feeling today?"
"Oh, I don't know.  I'm a little melancholy."

In order to keep them in their current state (and possibly a happier, more well-adjusted one), I have to continue with the exercises and stretches I suffered through during therapy.  I thought doing this challenge would be a good way to establish a habit, a routine, whatever.

I like it when things feel good so...  well, that's it, really.  Doing things to feel good.

I also like thistles, so here's one.

Tattoo meets real life.  Ish.

In other news, I have kept the swearing to a minimum the past two days -- only one "ffffuuuuuu..." (but with consonants) per day.  Progress!

In other-other news, I saw these faces this past weekend and now I miss these faces and wish I could smooch them.

They were less blurry a couple days ago.

Words Are Hard

Day 9

Why am I doing this challenge?  Who thought this would be a good idea?  To all of you naysayers out there, I'm sorry I got annoyed when you laughed in my face at the mere mention of living a life without swearing (that being said, bite me -- you could have at least pretended to be supportive).  I've yet to go a day without dropping an f-bomb (or six) and I started this morning off by calling someone a "s--thead" (not to his face or anything and in my defense, he really is a s--thead.  It's basically like calling him "Tom", so maybe it shouldn't count??).

I've completely lost count at this point.  I think I owe my siblings somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,000 each and I should probably post at least 27 embarrassing videos on this here blog.  It's probably not going to happen because, well, I don't really want to.  Or, it'll have to wait until Drunk Heather makes an appearance.  Yes, yes, it's a bit of a cop-out, but ...  IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL GET DRUNK AND MAKE VIDEOS IF I WANT TO!  OR NOT AT ALL!  EITHER WAY!  I'm already on day four with no Reddit.  Isn't that punishment enough?  It feels like punishment.

Posting notes around my house and on my person certainly hasn't helped:

When you eat food, no swearing.

When you leave the house, no swearing.

 I'm talking to you, kid.  Seriously, no swearing.

Really?  Even this won't help?
(Side note:  I sent someone this picture and they replied back with:
"You're a unique grape, Heather Lee."  What a fantastic compliment.)
(Shuddup.  It's a compliment if I want it to be.)

A real life unique grape from mom's house.
And an unintentional spider friend.

I was doing fairly well last week -- swearing only four times a day...  What's that?  You think four times a day is a lot?  Need I remind you that I use the work "f--k" like the word "the" in daily run-of-the-mill conversation, so paring it down to only four times a day is a remarkable achievement.  Again, bite me if you disagree.

Then Friday rolled around.  I was troubleshooting a problem at work well into the Friday evening and I was getting, erm, frustrated.  My computer was being slow, I forgot what I had already tested and my efforts devolved into ... well, less thinking about what I was doing and more swearing heatedly and angrily at my computer.

"What the f--k?!  I just did that and it worked.  Stop being an a-hole, computer."

"Just f-----g open already!"

"Ugh.  F--k you."

Yep.  And that's why I started this challenge in the first place.  For nights like that.  I don't even know what to try at this point.  I only swore twice on Saturday-- first day with no f-bombs. (...yay?)  I made it through the entire day with nary a bad word and then I spilled a bottle of red wine on my newly cleaned kitchen floor.  Sigh.

I've added a rubber-band-around-the-wrist approach, snapping it every time I swear.  Maybe inflicting actual pain will help?  I suggested to Kristy I change the challenge to "I will swear only five times a day", but she shot that down rather quickly, something about "cheating".  I dunno.  I'm at a bit of a loss.  Here's a bug in a flower.

Hi.  I'm a bug in a flower.

GAAHHHHHHHH!

Day 2

I made it until 7:40. 

Really PowerPoint?  Really?  Why couldn't you just let me change the font color?  I don't ask for much.  I asked you for one little thing and when you wouldn't comply?  F-bomb.

(...one hour later...)

While watching "True Blood", the following was uttered by yours truly:

"What?  Are they going to f---ing fairyland or something."

Followed soon after by, "Run, motherf---er!  Don't just stand there."

Sigh. This is going to be the longest. Month. Ever.

If you're keeping track, that's $50 so far.  Maybe I can't afford this form of punishment.  My sister suggests I should put a limit on it, lest I have to spend next month eating peanut butter and jelly.  And maybe some crackers.

Here's another Drunk Heather video.

I was going to post this immediately, but it seems prudent to wait until bedtime, when I know I'm done talking for the day.  Or maybe I should just stop talking altogether.  Until August.

(My sister questions the accuracy of this self-portrait.)

Mulligan

Yesterday's reintroduction to meat was a rousing success, if I do say so myself.  Jeff the Troll (remember him?) wasn't quite sure what to make of it all...

At first he was all, "Yay!  Meat party!"

"Why yes, that is a half-smoke and a bucket of bacon I'm carrying around.
Why do you ask?"

But then he was all, "I'm melting into a puddle of fat and grease. What are you doing up there?"

I would have colored him in, but that seemed hard.

Thankfully, he's got himself sorted out and today we're getting along like gangbusters.

In addition to the meat-o-rama, yesterday was also the start of a new challenge:  no swearing AND do something active/physical every day.  Let's start with the swearing.  The rules are pretty simple:  don't curse.  Yup.  Pretty much sums it up.  I get one mulligan and once that's gone, I have a charming list of punishments to choose from:

Minor infractions:
- I cannot sleep with socks
- No PHONE for a day!
- No REDDIT for a day! (eeeeek!)
- $5

Major infractions:
- I take over all chores for a week
- I wash my mouth out with soap, video the reaction and post it on the blog
- Cat Daddy!  Or an equally embarrassing activity that I record and post
- $10

There's no incentive in paying myself when this month is all said and done; instead, I'll slide those cool dolla-dolla bills over to my siblings.  (You're welcome siblings.)  My cousin, Amy, also suggested I do a cartwheel every time I swear, regardless of where I am.  I kind of love that idea EXCEPT, I can't do a cartwheel to save my life.  Seriously.  A somersault is the best I could do.  I am not nearly graceful enough for twirls.

So that's the plan.  You might be wondering how day one went....  let me tell you, my tens of readers, it did not go well.  My mulligan?  Used up within the first eight hours.  And do you want to know why I swore?  (Dropping an f-bomb no less.)  There wasn't a box of tissues where I expected a box of tissues to be.  Obviously a rage-inducing experience.  Goodbye, mulligan.

Yeah, I don't know.  I was going for a golf ball or something.
I don't know what the Fuji apple a mulligan looks like.

Later there was more swearing over equally unnecessary things (cheese, Internet outage) and as I am not quite ready for the Cat Daddy, especially after having practiced a bit in the mirror (all I can say is, "Fuuuuuuuuuu....dgesicle, I am white!"), below is a video of me very, very drunk in Afreeeca a couple of years ago.

Backstory:  I didn't train quite as well as I could have before we climbed Kilimanjaro and as such, I was a bit on the wheezy side.  (But I totally made it to the top so whatevs!)  The last day of the hike we were sitting around chatting with our guide and he asked if I had trained beforehand and mentioned my "breathiness."  Here's me telling that story after a flagon of wine:

Next up, the physical part of the challenge.

White Trash Ice Cubes

It's Friday evening and I'm settling in with a glass of wine and some fly tunes.  That's right; I said, "fly."  Deal with it.  Actually, I have fun dinner and comedy show plans tonight so I'm not "settling in" so much as "getting ready and drinking wine."  Details.

You guys may not know this, but I'm ready for the month of 'eat no dead animals' to be over.  Ray's Hell Burger, you'd better lock it up and have your shit together come Sunday evening.  I ain't even playing.  It's going to be a blur of hamburger, bloody juice running down chins, and sighs of orgasmic delight.

(I know a fierce debate has erupted over the serial comma and the necessity of that last comma in a list of items, but whatever.  I'm a rebel.  I'll comma if I want to.)

As I'm dancing around my apartment, getting all dolled up and whatnot, I'm wearing what is clearly the best t-shirt ever made.  The Sister picked this up for me on her most recent trip to Canada.  She did good.

Douchecanoe?  How about BEAVER-canoe!

It doesn't matter that I'm thirty-fabulous, "beaver" will always make me giggle because... vaginas.  (Are you uncomfortable Callton? VAGINAS!  VAGINAS!  VAGINAS!)

Anyway.

July will be here in two days and I want all of you haters -- those of you collapsing into charming little puddles of laughter at the mere mention of my 'no swearing' month -- to know that I will prove all of you wrong.  Crow, you shall eat.  In the meantime:  fuckity, fuck, fuck, bastard, shit, motherfucker, wine, damn, vaginas, bollocks.  Fuck.

Happy weekend, everyone!

Meat Party

Four more days until ... MEAT PARTY!  It's going to be the funnest party.  Maybe only for me, but whatever.  MEEEEAT!  July 1st, hamburgers, bacon, who's with me?  Maybe a half-smoke for dessert?  Don't make me enjoy my meat alone, friends.

(You were thinking a different kind of meat party, weren't you?  Get your minds out of the gutter, readers!  I keep a clean, tight ship, you filthy animals.)

(That being said, I want to make a joke here about having a meat party in someone's pants, but that seems inappropriate, so I'll refrain.)

(Or maybe something about a "hot beef injection".)

(That's what she said.)

...

And after the meat ingestion, we start the month of no swearing.  I'd like to share a conversation I had with my sister the other night regarding the upcoming challenge:

Kristy:  So, do you want me to point out when you swear?
Heather:  Well, yeah.
Kristy:  Every time?  You're going to have to do so many embarrassing things.
Heather:  Wow, thanks for all the faith in me, sister.  I'M NOT GOING TO SWEAR!  Go to your room!
Kristy:  Oooookay.

My sister is a skeptical jerk.  If she wasn't so pretty...  (I don't know how to finish that sentence.)

Brain-storming ideas for punishment (which I won't have to worry about because I'm not going to swear), I thought of the tried and true swear jar, but the problem with that is I'd just be giving money back to myself, which isn't much of an incentive.  I could give it to charity, but if I swear at all (which I'm not going to), it will only happen once or twice (it's NOT going to happen) and then, what?  I'm going to slide the charity of my choice a crisp, cool $1 bill?  No.

I think I should have to do something public and shaming.  For example, I dance like a white girl:  with a lot of enthusiasm, lip biting and awkward gyrations.  My dancing feet have got no rhythm.  (I'm never gonna dance again ... Heather's feet have got no rhythm...)  As punishment for swearing (the swearing I'm not going to do), I could follow in Jimmy Fallon's footsteps and attempt to do the "Cat Daddy" a la Kate Upton.

The original dance (don't be afraid, there's no nudity here):

With Jimmy:

Shoot, even Kate looks a little awkward in that video, but, you know, she looks like that, so it doesn't really matter what she's doing; she will still be ridiculously hot.

"Next up, Kate Upton cleans out a litter box."
<10,000,000 views>

I'll get my groove on, video it, upload it to my blog and brace for mockery.  I think this is a pretty solid deterrent.

What do you think, my tens of readers?  Any other ideas for me?

Peaches

Hi there, Blog Readers!  Long time no chat, eh?  Did you miss me?  I sure did miss you!  I had a shitty commute home from work today, so I decided upon my (delayed) arrival home that I would go to the pool with a to-go-jug-of-wine (ok, it wasn't a "jug" so much as a "mug", but whatever), go for a swim, soak up some evening sun and unwind.

Ahhhh....
this is SO much better than sitting on 66.

Disguiser of Wine.

I have achieved a state of unwound and would say I am, well, not quite drunk, but really, really happy.  Happy, happy, happy.  I love my pool.  Last weekend I had wonderful friends over to swim in my pool (ha ha: "my" pool) and I'm hoping to do the same again this weekend.  Why did I waste all of those years worrying about what I looked like in a bathing suit?  That was dumb.  I plan to make up for it by swimming AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the rest of the summer.

(Please forgive typos because wine.)

Anyway.  I'm not here to talk about my bathing suit; I am here to catch up.  I never plan to go this long without blogging, but sometimes life gets in the way.  My sister moved in, completely destroying my way of life.

That's not true at all.  It has been the smoothest, easiest transition ever.  Truth be told, it didn't even feel like a transition ... it kinda felt like she's always been here.  (Not unlike a barnacle.)  We're so similar in our temperaments, interests, giggle habits, etc.  It's like we're siblings or something.  Weird.  She is gone this weekend, so I am catching up with friends, getting drunk (apparently) and watching "An American Werewolf in Paris" (pronounced "pair-ee", FYI.  'murrica).

Life has been weird lately, man.  Mostly work.  June 30 is my nine-year anniversary at my company.  NINE YEARS, people.  That's nine cat lives or something.  I am in the midst of a lull at work, meaning I have fuck-all to do.  I am trying to do some training and reading up on shit I'm not terribly familiar with, and I just applied to yet another fucking college where I will be getting a Graduate certificate in ... shit.  I don't remember.  Basically IT management or something.  Computer Science shit.   I used to be able to tear a computer down to its base components -- the motherfucking motherboard, ya'll -- and rebuild it, but that was back in my military days and I don't remember that shit now.  Anyway.  I'm rambling because wine, but I'm excited about the classes.  "The more you know..." and all that.

But work.  I hate being bored all day, not contributing.  When I am not productive at work, I don't feel productive in life.  I feel guilty and my brain gets all mushy and I feel ... guilty.  Even thought it's not my fault, guilt.  I wish I could say I don't take my work home with me, but that would be a lie and I am a terrible liar.  The worst.  I know things will get better, but in the meantime... UGH.

So.  Last month's challenge.  Get rid of all the things!  Seriously, guys, it was hands-down, no contest, fo' sho', my favorite challenge so far.  It was so cathartic getting rid of the random shit I have held on to for years because ... nostalgia.  Or something.  Every day I was excited to go through shit and weed out the crap (ok, maybe "excited" is a stretch).  I got rid of WAY more than 30 things and will likely continue to cut the chaff.

A friend asked if my month of "no unnecessary spending" changed how I spend/approach money and ... meh ... not really.  But you know what did?  The fucking month of getting rid of shit.  How did I accumulate so much SHIT?  Why did I ever think I needed so much shit?  It's hard not to get all wrapped around the axle when I look around and think, "My gawd, how much money did I spend on all of this ... stuff."  Makes me want to vomit.  Just a little.  But there's no use regretting shit, right?  What's done is done and all we can ever do is deal with what's in front of us.  There 'here and now' and all that jazz.  I have said "shit" a lot in this post.  I should use other words.

(Man, wine.  I am a lightweight.  I should, like, eat some food or something.)

So did I learn from the experience?  Yeah, for sure.  I mean that shit.  I am not naive enough to say, "I WILL NEVER SHOP AGAIN", but I have vowed that if I buy something new, I have to get rid of something.  I mean that shit.  (I said, "I mean that shit" twice in a few short sentences.  I'm not even going to change it because ... I mean that shit.)

There are not nearly enough pictures in this post.  So here is a picture of my brother, wearing my sunglasses.

Yeah, that's right.

(Sister, I drank all the wine.  I'm sorry.)

(I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym.)

Edit:  If you're wondering about "Peaches" ... I put frozen peaches in my wine as ice cubes because I'm classy like that.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaanges (pt. 2)

Sometimes my knees hurts.  Sometimes my hips hurts.  Every now and again my lower back hurts.  And sometimes, they all hurt in a symphony of "ugh".  So after years of that, I suddenly had the bright idea, "Perhaps I should go to the doctor?  I've got this health insurance just sittin' around.  Let me knock the dust off that ... health insurance."  So I went to the doctor and now I'm getting physical therapy.  Physical therapist says, "Your shit's all weak and shit.  Imma make it better by torturing you.  You're welcome."

I asked her opinion on my plan to walk 100 miles this month and she was very lukewarm on the idea.  She suggested I start out slow at the beginning of the month -- no hills and no long walks -- and just make it all up at the end.  That seemed hard and stressful come, say, May 15th when I'd only clocked about 10 miles.  So, I made the command decision (just call me Adama) to put off the walking 100 miles until September.  Why September?  Well, my friends, I'll tell you:  I am going to Ireland in December with my lovely friend, Jennie.  We're hiking for, like, 8 or 9 days, so it seems kind of "duh" not to do the 100 miles that month. I think we're walking around 10 or 15 miles a day, so making it to 100 will be easy-breezy.  I'm not going to lie, I feel like it's cheating a little bit to do it that month, but fuck it.  I'm just making this shit up as I go along anyway.

I should also mention I'm a little bit drunk right now.  Wine is delicious.

I should also mention I'm going to Ireland in September, not December, but I'm going to leave that up there to keep you all on your toes.

This is how I drink wine.

I am afraid of the wine I am drinking.
Also, I have giant boobs and one arm.
And you all know I never wear pink.
And my hair is not that long.

Instead of walking a bunch this month, I'll be icing my knees every day, doing a bunch of stretches an' shit and "Getting rid of one thing every day."  Not necessarily "one" thing, but "some"thing(s) every day.  I have a few days to make up now since I made this decision after the month had started, so I'll get rid of five things tomorrow.  I would do it tonight, but did I mention the wine?

Actually, I might do it tonight.  Fuckit.  I will do my best to get rid of something meaningful -- something I have some sort of weird attachment to.  That and just crap I have sitting around that I haven't used or touched in years because I don't know if I can get rid of 31 meaningful things and it'd be nice to just clear out some junk.  For example, I know I have a table under this couch I'm sitting on that I haven't used in more than 10 years.  I'm not evening joking.  I think I can let it go.  I am never going to use that table.

Most things I will likely give to Good Will/Salvation Army, but be on the lookout friends!  I will likely be passing off some of this shit to you, 'cause what else are friends for?

My sister sent me a card and I got it in the mail tonight.  It was very cute.  This is me and the card and the wine.

I am attractive in my post-workout ... glow?