The Original Douchecanoe

I used to have this friend --we'll call him Kepa.  Because that's his name.  We were friends for nearly a decade, but as it turns out, he was a fucking lying piece of shit douchecanoe with dodgy morals and a propensity for lies and deceit.  I don't know what he's doing with his life now, but I hope it involves a lot of itchiness and discomfort.  He was always very anti-kids, so with any luck he is now the father of triplets.

Anywho, as this is the month of getting rid of useless crap, I got rid of some of the useless crap he's gifted me over the years.

The first thing he ever gave me was heartburn this picture.  I remember we were both still stationed in Germany, but I don't remember why he gave me this particular picture.  I have no special affinity for either Pepe le Pew or Penelope, but I had it hanging in my bathroom for years because I thought it was kind of sweet.  Kepa is undoubtedly a giant ass clown, but the picture will look cute in my niece, Penelope's, room.

RE-GIFT!

He also gave me a number of stuffed animals for reasons unknown.  I gave a couple of them to my nieces (who are the complete opposite of ass clowns).

(I feel a bit weird spewing vitriol and then being all, "Look how cute my nieces are!"  But, look how cute my nieces are!)

"Hi!  This is my dog.  I named it Heather!"

Yeah, I'm just going to sit right here with my pig.

I think he gave me the stuffed dog because I've always wanted a dog (the real kind, with the barking and whatnot, not that stuffed shit), but I'm not sure about the pig.  Maybe he thought I was I was fat?   He's a stupid twat.

Some of it just went in the damn trash.

I'll admit, this looks a little sad.
Anthropomorphizing?

The rest of it has been tossed over the last couple of years.  I am keeping a couple of books he bought me (books are cool), but thaaaaat's about it.  Because he's a tool.

No, really, he's a tool.  Towards the end of our friendship he created a startling web of lies -- a web so detailed that Charlotte herself would be proud.

That's some pig!

He had an entire life I knew nothing about it.  Why he chose to hide it from me will forever be a mystery (one I no longer care to solve).  It never occurred to me to question or doubt him, so when all the lies and whatnot came to light I felt like the Queen of Foolville.

I look good in a crown.

I'm being snarky and mean in this post, but really, I don't care so much these days.  "Time heals all wounds" and shit.  I mean, I do still hope he's itchy, but I also hope he's learned to, I dunno, not tell lies and is hopefully treating people with the respect they deserve.

...while still being very, very itchy.