Mulligan

Yesterday's reintroduction to meat was a rousing success, if I do say so myself.  Jeff the Troll (remember him?) wasn't quite sure what to make of it all...

At first he was all, "Yay!  Meat party!"

"Why yes, that is a half-smoke and a bucket of bacon I'm carrying around.
Why do you ask?"

But then he was all, "I'm melting into a puddle of fat and grease. What are you doing up there?"

I would have colored him in, but that seemed hard.

Thankfully, he's got himself sorted out and today we're getting along like gangbusters.

In addition to the meat-o-rama, yesterday was also the start of a new challenge:  no swearing AND do something active/physical every day.  Let's start with the swearing.  The rules are pretty simple:  don't curse.  Yup.  Pretty much sums it up.  I get one mulligan and once that's gone, I have a charming list of punishments to choose from:

Minor infractions:
- I cannot sleep with socks
- No PHONE for a day!
- No REDDIT for a day! (eeeeek!)
- $5

Major infractions:
- I take over all chores for a week
- I wash my mouth out with soap, video the reaction and post it on the blog
- Cat Daddy!  Or an equally embarrassing activity that I record and post
- $10

There's no incentive in paying myself when this month is all said and done; instead, I'll slide those cool dolla-dolla bills over to my siblings.  (You're welcome siblings.)  My cousin, Amy, also suggested I do a cartwheel every time I swear, regardless of where I am.  I kind of love that idea EXCEPT, I can't do a cartwheel to save my life.  Seriously.  A somersault is the best I could do.  I am not nearly graceful enough for twirls.

So that's the plan.  You might be wondering how day one went....  let me tell you, my tens of readers, it did not go well.  My mulligan?  Used up within the first eight hours.  And do you want to know why I swore?  (Dropping an f-bomb no less.)  There wasn't a box of tissues where I expected a box of tissues to be.  Obviously a rage-inducing experience.  Goodbye, mulligan.

Yeah, I don't know.  I was going for a golf ball or something.
I don't know what the Fuji apple a mulligan looks like.

Later there was more swearing over equally unnecessary things (cheese, Internet outage) and as I am not quite ready for the Cat Daddy, especially after having practiced a bit in the mirror (all I can say is, "Fuuuuuuuuuu....dgesicle, I am white!"), below is a video of me very, very drunk in Afreeeca a couple of years ago.

Backstory:  I didn't train quite as well as I could have before we climbed Kilimanjaro and as such, I was a bit on the wheezy side.  (But I totally made it to the top so whatevs!)  The last day of the hike we were sitting around chatting with our guide and he asked if I had trained beforehand and mentioned my "breathiness."  Here's me telling that story after a flagon of wine:

Next up, the physical part of the challenge.

Ray's Hell Burger (MEAT-O-LICIOUS)

These will likely be the only words you'll read in this post because I believe the pictures will speak for themselves.

.... and scene.

Siblings, You'd Best Skip This One

Hello, boys and girls!  You know what today is, right?  It's meat day.  Meat Party.  A meat party in my mouth, to be exact.  It's meat-o-riffic.  Meat-o-licious.  Meatasbord.  Meatanza.  Supermeatifragilisticexpialimeatocious.  (I'd like you hear you say that one out loud.)

First stop, Harris Teeter.  No chance I'm going to eat that low-fat, non-greasy, boring-as-heck turkey sausage I have in my freezer.  After 30 days of no meat?  I don't think so.  Bring on the grease and fat.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just grab a handful and squeeze it out.

You are beautiful.

Your sizzle is a beautiful sonata; it's magic for my ears.

...ssssssssssss...

Oh, yeah, you get nice and black, sausage patty.  You get all hot and crusty.  I'll even give you a dash of maple syrup to help things along.  That's how much I care for you.

Who's got the nicest crust?
YOU'VE got the nicest crust.

Little patty is lonely and needs some egg friends.

Egg friends are the best of friends.

And now it's time for all of this to go in my mouth.

You are delicious and beautiful and I love you.

(Being a bit on the brown side, you may think those eggs look unappetizing, but you'd be wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  They're brown because they were cooked in SAUSAGE FAT AND GREASE.  Ain't nothing unappetizing about that.)

A perfect bite.

(You're a perfect bite.)

So that was my morning.  How was yours?