Tidbits and Gadgets

Blogger recently updated their user interface.  You guys won't see a difference, but it's scary back here, ya'll.  Why do they do this?  It's not "better", I don't see any "improvements."  Everything is new and different and I feel lost and a little scared.

I'm very uncomfortable with this change.
I am lost in the white.
Mom?
... Anybody?
...
Help.

It's awful, right?  Couldn't they fill all of that space with sunshine or puppies or .. ooh! Ooh!  Clouds!  Clouds make everything better.  Ok, so they're white too, but they could be big, puffy, gray clouds or regular puffy clouds floating in a sparkling blue sky.  But this?  This ... nothing?  Pfft.  Nay, Blogger.  Nay.

Clouds.  Far superior.

See how much better that looks?  I hope you're paying attention, Google!  Fix it!  Fix it.

But I digress.  The point of this post is, erm, hmm.  To be honest, I, um, I don't know.  I'm volunteering at the USO from 4-8 this evening and it's a bit slow and I'm mostly here "in case shit", so I pulled up ye old Blogger (only to be horrified by the new look) and here we are.  Bored.

Wow.  My bored face looks remarkably similar to my angry face.
I AM NOT ANGRY!

How about an "I am trying to think of something to blog about" face?

Weird face is weird.

Moving on...

It's hard to believe April is almost over and May, The Month of Walking, is nigh.  April's challenge went surprisingly well.  Resisting the shopping urge was relatively painless as I quickly found I prefer to keep my money rather than spending it on stupid shit.  Funny, that.  I did make one purchase this month I don't feel bad about.

*begin justification*

I am rarely without a water bottle.  Most tap water tastes like a swimming pool and I do not enjoy drinking water that tastes like a swimming pool.  For some time now, I have been using a Bobble.  Its handy built-in filter takes care of that whole "tastes like a pool" issue.  We got along pretty well for a while, but you have to squeeze the Bobble to get the water out, which means your thirst is quenched one squirt at a time (*sexual innuendo*).  It took the fun out of drinking water. 

Incidentally, I brought my water bottle to Nevis -- as did many folks -- and as the week went on water bottles became community property... mostly because we were lazy and didn't want to leave our comfy chairs/sofas/pool floaties, so we grabbed/requested the nearest bottle.  The request I heard most often was, "Hey, can you hand me any water bottle that isn't Heather's?"  See?  It's not just me.

So, I was in REI the other day picking up a $5 rain poncho for my cousin, Wesley, who is about to head off on a trip to Belize, and strolling by the water bottle section I saw this little guy chilling on an end-cap display.  (You know, where the suckers stop to buy unnecessary things.  Consumerism.)

I make drinking water enjoyable again.

It has a filter!  And a straw!  And a little handle thing!  Exclamation points!  I love it.  I love it so much.  I have been drinking water like ... like ... something that drinks a lot of water.  I have easily tripled my water consumption and subsequently, my trips to the bathroom.

I have to pee all the time now!

Apparently, I have also tripled the number of self-portraits I include in a post.  Look, I'm really bored.  Don't judge me.  If it helps, I felt stupid and awkward taking them, but hey, it's content.

Anyway, I suppose this could be perceived as an unnecessary purchase, but I think drinking water is a necessity and having the appropriate vessel from which to drink is equally important.

*end justification*

In hindsight, I think it would have been wise to have combined "no shopping" with "no eating out."  I spent (spend) an exorbitant amount of money on food.  It would have been interesting to see the state of my checking account at the end of April had I curtailed all spending, but considering I got through the month buying only a water bottle, I'm still feeling a bit flush.  Woo, money.

I'm pretty darn excited about May's challenge.  Walking!  I do that all the time!  I added a new gadget to my blog that will track my mileage and whatnot.  I don't know how it works just yet, but it's there, waiting for me, silently judging my lack of mileage.  Jerk. 

100?  It'll be a cakewalk.
(see what I did there?)

In the next few days I will post a schedule ... that I will probably won't follow at all.  It's good to have a plan though.  Or something.

Major Red Bull

My good friend, Mick, recently became Major Mick.  By way of congratulations, I drew him a picture:

Army Strong.
(pretzel sold separately)

The pretzel doesn't have much to do with his shiny, new rank (ok, ok, nothing whatsoever to do with his shiny, new rank), but after spending a week visiting him in Germany (I take full advantage when my friends are stationed in fabulous places), where I inhaled at least one amazingly delicious German pretzel per day, Mick = pretzel in my book.

(I would eat 10 of those pretzels right now.  I wouldn't even stop to say, "Thank you for bringing me these pretzels, Oh Magnificent Pretzel Monster. (S/He's like the Flying Spaghetti Monster, only with different carbs.))

Major M's promotion is great and all, but this post isn't really about him; it's about me.  You're not really surprised, are you?  I'm here tonight to make a vow.  Are you ready, world?

(Ha ha.  "World".  My world of 10s of readers.  It's a bit like The Little Prince.

I am a weird book.

 Only with more socks and narwhals.)

The green jumpsuit is not a good look for me.

But I digress.

*clears throat*

"I will heretofore no longer allow the delicious nectar known as Red Bull pass by these ruby red lips o' mine."

There.  Vow made.  I mean it too.  This shit is bananas:

There are no bananas here.

I wish I could say this is the same pile of caffeine I took a picture of a week or so ago, but ... nope.  New pile.  I'm not giving up caffeine altogether -- let's not get crazy now -- this is merely the first step in my caffeine-removal plan. 

I have the sneaking suspicion that my shitastic sleep habits and the angry beast known as Jeff the Troll are related to, or affected by, the amount of caffeine I ingest throughout the day.  Honestly, it's not that bad -- one coffee in the morning, and a rather large (and delicious) Red Bull with lunch.  Could be worse, right?  I'm just thinking of my stomach here.  We're going to be together for many years to come (Magnificent Pretzel Monster willing) and we have way too much drama in our relationship right now.  I think we can do better.

Just to reiterate:  "No more Red Bull."

You can quote me on that.

The Rockstarter

When Billy, my little brother, was a wee bairn, he dreamed of becoming a "rockstarter" when he "grew up."  I'm not sure about the "grown up" bit yet, but he has succeeded in the "rockstarter" department.

In 2005, my brother and his good friend, Terry Turtle, formed Buck Gooter.

Cats are cool.

I was there for their first show and I attended their 250ish this past Saturday at the Galaxy Hut in Arlington.  The first show was, erm, well ... it was a first show.  I respected the hell out of them for getting up there and doing their thang, especially considering their "thang" involved a theremin and a rattle of some sort played(?) by my brother and an acoustic guitar with an effects pedal played by Terry.  Not your normal, every day music shenanigans.

Billy still plays the theremin, but his repertoire has grown to include a drum machine, sytlophone, synth, a little iPod and <other things I can't identify>.  In his words, it's "just a bunch of non-instruments."  Crammed into boxes, bags and an old suitcase, it all looks a mess to me, but he's up there like a little mad scientist turning that shit into music, entertaining the hooligans in the crowd.

That theremin has seen a lot in its day.

And sometimes there's an umbrella.

I don't know how to talk about music.  When I find a new band or song or artist I like, I typically say, "I like this band/song/artist.  They play music good."  Succinct, to the point, not a lot of flowery language.  Music does move me and it makes me feel things and I get excited about 'discovering' new artists, but I struggle with articulating the why.  Rather than stumble my way through it, I'm going to let some other people talk about BG in my stead:

Jason writes on his blog,  7 inches, "..."Devil Worship" which has that thin, fuck-the-drums repetitive loop running under a mess of distorted snake guitar work from Terry who along with Brat are yelling through a shitty house PA about ... you guess it, devil worship.  You can hear the audience yelling along with them, there's no regular melody, this is based in pure expression.  I will always hold something like this up a little higher than a commercially successful band who is making a living."

Pretty nice words, those.

Found on Heathen Harvest:

"Listening to Bad Vibrations, the new CD by Mr. Buck Gooter, you hear the duality of juxtaposition between Buck's caterwauling, cacophonous railing; screaming, snarling, gnashing and whatnot ... The tunes are rockin' brainy, syncopated sprawling with a hind of jazz technique thrown in.


One can't help thinking to oneself if this is a white-trash parady of trailer park life, a punk-rock free-style or some sort of crypto-intellectualizing with a ciphered message.  Whatever the intention, one gets a kind of involuntary head-banging, arm-shaking, foot-stomping reaction from listening to it."

Yeah, what he said.

They're not all glowing reviews:  Terminal Boredom says, "..."Devil Worship" is recorded live in some bar-n-grill in Harrisonburg, VA, which seems to be just a bunch of drunks screaming over a drum machine. Sounds like the fleeting 4:00am moments of a bad karaoke night."

Pfft.  What does he know?

KARAOKE!

My love of Buck Gooter flows largely from my love for Billy, but there are a number of songs I genuinely enjoy in their own right.  I'll admit, not all of it is for me; sometimes it's too loud and screamy and hurts my ears, but many loyal fans love them for that very reason.  Whether you love 'em or hate 'em, they're out there doing it and I am a proud big sister.  Last weekend they wrapped up a 13-show mini-tour across a little chunk of the ol' USofA:

Buck Gooter gets around.  The slut.

Despite the small crowd, there was a lot of energy at Galaxy Hut Saturday night, and I think both Buck Gooter and Mounds -- one of the bands they were touring with -- feel they went out on a high note.

One thing I can say for sure is that my brother puts on a good show. Don Zientara, owner of Inner Ear recording studio, said of Billy and BG, "It takes some bands years to figure out how to get put on a show like that and have that kind of presence on stage."  Don has recorded Fugazi, Joe Lally, O.A.R., and Henry Rollins, to name a few, and is a heck of a musician himself, so he would know.

As a big sister, it makes me squeamish to see stuff like this:

(please don't hurt yourself)

But that squeamishness dissipates when I sit back and watch fans come up to them after the show, singing (screaming?) their praises.  People genuinely enjoy talking to and being around my brother (I mean, I've always known he's great, but it's nice to see other people recognize that as well) and damn they love them some Buck Gooter.  You see, not only is Billy a good entertainer and quite the crowd-pleaser, he has a presence that draws people in.  He puts folks at ease by doing nothing more than being himself and he has a network of friendships that span the country to prove it.

And of course Terry plays a huge part in this as well.  I don't mean to diminish his involvement or talent in any way; I went into this post planning to focus on my bro, 'cause that's what big sis bloggers do.  (Ew.  I just called my self a "blogger").  But rest-assured, Terry is a talented mo-fo, he's a part of the family, and we love him to pieces.

Little Penny loves her "T".

(This is ridiculously long. I will stop writing now. I have a Red Bull to finish.)

In conclusion, I would love to see that first show again, just to truly appreciate how far they have come in the last seven years.  Billy says, "We've been around a while, we do what we do, and try our best most of the time."  Succinct, to the point, not a lot of flowery language.  Siblings.

In another seven years, when we're all flying around with our jet packs, maybe I'll think back to this moment and I'll write a "14 Years of  Buck Gooter" post.  Of course we'll all be jacked in using our Google Glasses or something and I'll just be able to think my blog into creation.  The future.

Let that tambourine flutter.

One more thing... I spent $8 on Saturday night -- $5 to get into the bar and $3 on Mounds' CD.  I regret nothing.

Oh, Happy Day!

I found one!  I found one!  I am saved!

Ch-ch-ch-chaaanges

This summer, my sister will be living with me.  In my one-bedroom apartment.  That has one bed.  It's ... uh ... it'll be fine.  Really.  Bonding!  We're going to bond!

Hi.  I'm real pretty, but I'm going to steal all of your covers.

While she's here stealing my covers, she'll also be interning with RAINN.  Good job, little sister.  (But you will also need to get a real job, slacker.  I'm not feeding your all summer.)

That's a lie.  I will totally feed her, which brings me to the point of this post.  Little sis is a vegetarian, so in order to make it a bit easier to cook meals for us, I'm going to move up the veg challenge.  While I'm here, I'm going to swap some other things as well.

May:  No eating out.  Walk 100 miles.
June:  Walk 100 miles.  Eat vegetarian.
July:  No TV.
August:  Daily dancing.  No eating out, with the exception of social gatherings.
September:  Eat vegetarian.  No TV (this includes Netflix, Hulu, etc.)
October:  Try a new food/recipe.
November:  Learn something new.
December:  No swearing.

You'll notice that July is still in need.  It longs for a challenge.  I don't like the 'daily dancing' idea; frankly, it doesn't seem like much of a challenge.  Here are a few other ideas and, as always, I welcome your suggestions:

1.  Get rid of one thing every day.
2.  Exercise for 30 minutes every day (might be a bit redundant with the 'Walk 100 miles')
3.  No sugar.
4.  Learn a particular style of dance, rather than leaving it nebulus.
5.  Learn a language.  Or part of one.

Hm.  Upon further reflection, perhaps it should be "No caffeine."

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Hot Pocket

Jim Gaffigan has a new comedy special available for download on his website for 5 smackaroos.  No middle man, DRM-free, hallelujah.  He tweeted about it, I immediately went to his site (social media marketing at work, folks), hovered my little mouse over the BUY ME NOW button and then ...

and then ...

I sighed.  Loudly.  Grumbling to myself, "Stupid no unnecessary purchases month", I watched the teaser trailer, making a silent promise to Mr. Gaffigan that I'd be back May 1st to buy his special.  If you are one of the sad, unlucky few who has yet to enjoy the comedy stylings of Jimbo, I highly recommend you start with this:

And now you should go buy his special, because of the funny.  DO IT FOR ME, PEOPLE!  DO IT FOR SAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

*ahem*

If you're curious, the first 12 days (ok, 11 since the 1st of the month was a bit of a bust) of April have gone pretty smoothly.  I'm becoming much more aware of those little $3 and $5 and $200 purchase I make unthinkingly, which is the point of this month's challenge.  Just walk away, Heather ... just walk away.

Heather walks away.

I had a little epiphany today.  See, I have this friend.  (Just one.)  This lady handles her money like, for lack of a better word, "Whoa."  Her middle name should be "I Handle My Money Like Whoa".  Bit of a mouthful though.  (That's what she said.)  We are all envious of her ability to save and maintain a (seemingly) constant awareness of her spending habits.  (We're also envious of her butt.  It's real nice.)

I realized today, while I was definitely not thinking about her butt (did this just get weird?), that she must live like this ALL THE TIME.  Her life is a month of Aprils and it's not even hard.  (That's what she said.)  I certainly find this an admirable quality (one of the many she has) and one I could, perhaps, attempt to emulate. At least a little.  Well, I guess I'm doing that right now, but I mean beyond April.  "To infinity, and beyond!"  Ah, Buzz.

It's a nice idea, but see... I like pens.  A very specific pen.  My go-to, absolute favorite, must-have is the Uni-ball Jetstream Stick Rollerball.

I am magical.  Like a unicorn.

Right now?  I have lost all three I had in my possession.  I am Uni-Ball-less (I feel like I could make a joke about Lance Armstrong here, but I am going to rise above).  I hate writing with any other pens.  I really do.  They feel wrong in my hand, the ink doesn't flow as smoothly, my words come out bad ... they're just horrible.  IT'S WRONG!  ALL WRONG!

But.  Is the purchase of a Uni-ball a necessary item?  No.  No, it's not.  I am surrounded by "perfectly acceptable" pens.

Sigh.

Life is hard.

Adequate

Last night I almost went to Lowe's to buy a new pot for my African Squill, who has clearly grown too big for its britches.  The monster.

I need a bigger home, woman.

But then I remembered a new pot is a non-essential item and a free plastic pot is a perfectly acceptable alternative.  "Perfectly acceptable", just like my underwear.

(why am I still single?)

I Am Annoyed

Quick meditation story...

A few weeks ago I was having a bit of a crap day.  Nothing in particular, just "one of those days" where nothing was going right.  I was tired, very hungry (read: bitchy), a bit stressed and I had dinner plans with a friend that evening.  I thought it would be in both of our best interests if I took a few minutes to collect my thoughts and ... find my happy place.

I usually say a little mantra to myself as I begin meditating:

Breathing in I calm my body,
Breathing out I smile.

Read in a book once.

So, I laid down, feeling irritated and hangry (hungry + angry) and started focusing on my breath.

... breathing in I calm my body ...
... breathing out I am annoyed...

Wait ... whut?  HAHAHAHAHA.  I laughed so hard.  Instant de-crabbify.  My Brain just threw out some truth in the middle of my serene moment.  Bitch is keeping it real.  It worked though; I was no longer a grumpasaurus.

I like my posts to have pictures, so I googled "Grumpasaurus."  I got this:

I am adorable.

And for some reason, this.

It's time for change ...
A change into my BROCCOLI HAT!

But seriously ... WTF?  

Must ... understand ...

I went back to the source of the image and the title is "Baroccoli Obama."  Oh.  I see what you did there.  Clever.

Spurtle

I am writing this post from my mother's kitchen table while she bakes cupcakes nearby (I'm a good helper).  She is using a spurtle to poke holes in the cupcakes, filling said hole with lemon pudding.  Only my mother would own a spurtle.

Me:  What's that?
Mom:  It's a spurtle.  I bought it because it's Swedish.
Me:  ...

It's Swedish.

I want to talk about a couple of things in this post:

1.  My absence.
2.  April's challenge.
3.  Spurtles.

1.  In absentia.  Here's my M.O.:  I have a thing I need to do, I worry about doing said thing (doing it well, that is), instead of trying to do that thing, I shut down and do the opposite of that thing, i.e., nothing. (See what I did there?  "No thing.")  I went on a little vacation in March (more on that later) and while there, I drafted lots of funny/interesting posts (in my mind) and even drew a few pictures (more on that later), but once I got home I worried that I wouldn't be able to do the trip justice because it definitely ranks up there in the Top 3 Best Vacations Evar.  I doubted my Paint artistry (I know, right?  How crazy is that?), I doubted my writing talent, I doubted my ability to recollect and retell funny moments, etc.  If I had to pick a film to represent the last few weeks it would be this one:

So, rather than stressing about writing vacation posts, I decided to write about other shit, and get back to them when the movie representing my vacation-post-writing attitude is this:

Shiny.

2.  April.

January:  Take a picture every day
February:  Make something and/or be creative every day (I'm taking an art class starting mid-Feb, which will fit in nicely with this task)
March:  Meditate (2 minutes or 2 hours, as long as I do it)
April:  No shopping, at all (excluding food and toilet paper, of course)
May:  No eating out (I'll eat at someone's house, but not in a restaurant)
June:  Walk 100 miles
July:  No TV (this includes Netflix, Hulu, etc.)
August:  Daily dancing (dancing in my living room totally counts)
September:  Eat vegetarian (bacon, I miss you already)
October:  Try a new food (or a recipe if I run out of food ideas), daily
November:  Learn something new (a new word, a new cloud formation, how to solder properly, whatever)
December:  No SWEARING (fuuuuuuck)

No shopping.  Got it.  I kicked off this month by going on a 4-hour shopping spree with my cousin, Amy.  I'm choosing to look at this way:

Date:  April 1st
Setting:  Dulles Town Center

Amy:  What's your challenge for April?
Heather:  It's no shopping.  I can only buy the essentials.
Amy:  Looks down at Heather's shopping bags full of non-essentials.  Um...
Heather:  APRIL FOOL'S!

Look, in my defense, I honestly didn't realize it was April; it wasn't even on my radar.  I considered lying about it, but that seemed ... dishonest.  And we've already discussed what a terrible liar I am.  (I was going to link to the post I wrote about lying, but I can't find it and I need to get in the shower because it's already 4:00 in the afternoon(!) and I need to leave soon to go to my sis-in-law's house for dinner (homemade biscuits and gravy!) so I can't waste any more time searching.  Bottom line:  I'm a terrible liar.)

(Also, Penny, my niece, thinks it's "gross" to have breakfast for dinner.  She wants ice cream and Easter candy instead.  'Cause that's not gross.)

Rules?  I don't know.  "Don't buy unnecessary shit."  For example, I wanted to buy some cute undies from Victoria's Secret the other day, but then realized "cute undies" aren't not essential when I have a drawer full of "perfectly acceptable" undies at home.  So I didn't buy them.  I'm already kicking this challenge's ass.

I contemplated making a list of all the things I thought about buying but didn't buy (because I'm definitely not going to buy anything non-essential this month), but that seemed a bit dangerous.  I am likely to forget about 97% of things I would have bought, but if I have a handy list, May will likely be the month of I WILL BUY ALL THE THINGS.

3.  Spurtles.  I have nothing else to say about this topic, but I like saying the word.  When I finish writing a post I read it out loud to make sure it doesn't sound completely idiotic (no comments from the peanut gallery).

Don't judge my method.

You're totally judging my method, aren't you?

Lastly, lest you doubt my Paint abilities, here's a glimpse of the house we stayed in on our little vacation to Nevis.

This is a very accurate rendition.

Never doubt me again.

March, A Belated Recap

(You're a belated recap.)

Remember that one time I wrote that "Sass" post all about how I was going to write a bunch of new posts?  That was cute.

It's also cute how I thought I could look at Reddit only once a day.  I suppose installing a "YOU CAN LOOK AT REDDIT WHENEVER YOU WANT" app on my phone didn't help my cause.  Cause?  There's no cause.  I'm not trying to stop.  I mean, I could stop if I wanted to, but ... why would I want to?

(Word of warning:  I don't recommend clicking on that link to Reddit up there.  Trust me on this.  It will suck all of your time away.  If you've never heard of it and are curious about what it is, here's what Wikipedia has to say:  "Reddit is a social news website where the registered users submit content, in the form of either a link or text "self" posts."  Hm, doesn't help you does it?  It's basically a lot of silly memes, pictures of cats, stories, links to actual news, and, um, other things that are funny/intereseting.  Still doesn't help you does it?  Welp, that's all I've got for you. You're on your own from here.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Alternate title for this post?  Reddit Stole My Blogging Time.

I feel like this post needs a picture.  Here is Penny running through a puddle.

Don't pretend you don't want to do this.

Anyway, let's talk turkey, turkeys.  March.  Where the frakking hell did March go?  It was here a second ago and then *poof* gone.  Though it didn't go the way I had envisioned, I gave March's challenge my best mediocre attempt and I claim victory.  V i i i i i c t o r r r y!  Mostly because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to do so.  I see no point in being all "You suck at meditation, Heather. You are a failure."  What's that going to solve?  Here's what I learned:

1.  Meditation is hard.
2.  Introspection makes me feel all itchy.
3.  I don't like too much quiet.
4.  I don't like sitting.
5.  Most of the time my Brain does whatever the fuck it wants.  I am powerless against it.

But on a serious note, I did mediate most days and my biggest accomplishment was learning that when Jeff the Troll is acting like a dickhead causing my stomach to hate me, I can sit (or lay) quietly, focus on my breathing, and I'm able to calm that big bastard down.  That in and of itself makes me feel ok about my piss-poor, half-assed attempts to meditate, and is certainly enough to declare March a success.

I didn't follow any of the rules I set out for myself:

1.  Mediate for at least 10 minutes every day, hopefully increasing that time throughout the month.
Ten minutes you say?  Not so much.  I would say I meditated 20 out of the 31 days and while I didn't increase me time (suddenly I'm a pirate?) or make it to 10 minutes every day, I did ... something.  
Oh.  20/31 = 65%.  That's a D.    Whatever, it's still passing.


2.  Research different types of meditation, try those.
Nope.


3.  Eat lots of bananas because they're, like, totally good for you.
Oh, I did this one.  I love bananas.


4.  Go to the meditation class I signed up for instead of skipping it like I have been because meditating is hard.
I only went to one class.  0.o


(Holy shit, I'm going to be eating cupcakes tomorrow.  Jennie is making her infamous Heather-friendly S'Mores cupcakes and they are amazing.)

(Those cupcakes were amazing.)



5.  Focus on my inhalations and my exhalations.  Breathe in, breathe out.
Well, I did breathe every day. 

I don't know why those are spaced like a bunch of assholes (how are assholes spaced?  You'd think ... smaller), but I'm getting angry trying to fix and nobody should be angry on Saturday.

I won't lie, I am a little disappointed in myself.  As with January and February, I feel like I didn't give it my best.  Best mediocre?  Sure.  I mediocred the shit out of March.  It's so easy to let life get in the way and use that as an excuse to not follow through on the things I set out for myself.  I do realize that I am the one who decided to take on these monthly challenges and I don't have to go through with any of it, but dammit!  For once I want to say, "I am going to do this thing." and then actually do that thing.

So, Jan - Mar didn't go the way I wanted.  They're done and gone and I have nine more months (that's a whole baby!) to make good on the promises I've made to myself.  I'm on it like white on Richard.

Incidentally, my phone auto-corrected "white on rice" to "white on Richard" the other day and now I kind of want that to be a thing.  Let's make that happen.